


A normal couple

by dancingincircles



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Female Character, Canon Compliant, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Smut, Swearing, a bit of OOC, a bit of angst, a little bit really, fluff again, i don't really know but i guess it is, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 09:20:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 39,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27848430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancingincircles/pseuds/dancingincircles
Summary: Kit Fellowes and Sirius Black have the strangest of the relationships, she thinks. Not close enough to call him a friend, not strangers enough to define him just an acquaintance. Something clipped when they first met, and that linked them to each other in a way either of them could explain. And she finds out she doesn’t actually mind. And neither does he, really.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Remus Lupin & Original Female Character(s), Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 26





	1. Knowing me, knowing you

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Harry Potter. J.K.Rowling does. That’s that. 
> 
> I wanted to say before we start, I don’t agree at all with Rowling’s opinions about the trans community, not even for a minute. I appreciate her works, she’s created a world I still love and cherish, but that’s it. If you’re a trans person and you’re reading this, you are valid. you are loved. i support you, from the bottom of my heart. don’t let her rotten views spoil your love for the characters she created. you are doing great. sending lots of love to every member of the community. 
> 
> okay! well, this is my first fanfic ever, so i confess i’m quite anxious about it! it started as a one shot, but then it came out so long that i thought it would be better to divide it in two or three chapters. in the following chapter (or chapters, i don’t really have a clue) there will be some (or much, i don’t know that either) smut, i’ll put a warning first thing! i don’t have a beta and italian is my mothertongue, so if there are any errors of any kind let me know! i hope you’ll like my first approach to harry potter’s world! lots of love to everyone out there, stay safe <3

The first time Kit Fellowes saw Sirius Black she was eleven years old. He had stumbled upon her in the middle of King’s Cross, making her trip on the dirty floor with all her luggage. She was shy by nature, the kind of girl who would apologise to someone even if not necessary. Their parents always said they were proud to have raised such a kind little woman, but she begged to disagree. There was nothing to be proud about someone who could not stand up for themselves. Eventually Sirius Black noticed her, lying on the pavement, a very bad looking scraped knee already showing on her pale skin.

“I didn’t see you. Do you need help?” he asked, looking at her with a worried look on his eyes. His eyes struck her. She had never seen such beautiful ones, neither she had ever known someone with grey eyes. Greyish, sure, but that shade was totally new to her.

“I’m fine. Thanks” she managed to answer, and Sirius was clearly ready to reply, but he was cut off by a tall, noble and intimidating woman. _Probably his mom,_ she thought to herself while rearranging her luggage. The woman gave her a knowing look, noticing her Muggle clothes – her favorites, by the way, and shook her head disapprovingly.

“You shouldn’t be talking with this scum. Come along now, you don’t want to be late on your first day” she hissed to her son, tugging at his right arm with insistence.

She had called her _scum._ She wished her dad didn’t stop some steps behind to chat with a friend from work, so he could have given the lovely lady a proper answer for her unpleasantness. She didn’t even know the meaning of that word, but she could swear it was nothing good.

Sirius had turned to look at her over his shoulder one last time, a curious glint in his eyes, and then followed his mother with hung shoulders.

 _That was a hell of a welcoming. Well done, Kit,_ she hummed to herself, then proceded to look around for her disappeared father.

She turned out to be an Hufflepuff. No one in her family was surprised, knowing her nature, and she received a congratulations letter from her mother, soon followed by another one coming from her sister.

_Kit-kat, i heard you made it into the badgers! Many congrats, sis, i mean it. Im sorry if I didn’t make it to the station, but you know Mum, always busy. And i don’t have my Apparition license yet! Again, love, sorry. How do you like it so far? Made some friends? Hope you’ll love it as I did. About Mom, don’t even start worrying she’s disappointed you didn’t get in Ravenclaw. She’s not. I don’t know if her letter reached you yet, but she bids you well. We miss you, sweetie. Can’t wait to see you during Christmas._

_Lots of love,_

_Liane._

She had no friends yet, unless exchanging an awkard hello with Sirius Black could be defined “having a friend”. But her sister didn’t need to know that.

He later apologised for his mother’s behaviour, taking her aside in a corner of the second floor she’d never seen before. She said it was nothing, but he obviously didn’t believe her that much. _My mother and I don’t get along at all. I don’t think about you the same way as her_ , he wanted to make that clear. She had smirked a little bit, because the idea of him thinking about her was appealing to eleven-years-old her. But nonetheless she had nodded seriously and thanked him. Since then, something between them was born. And never died.

Eventually she truly made some friends. There was Sylvie, who had been her roommate since day one, the one she considered her closest friend. There was something absolutely positive about Sylvie’s bluntness, it made her want to be less condescending, bolder than she’d ever been. And Lanie, the girl from Ravenclaw that always sat beside her during Potions. And the Ferrars twins, Joe and Tony, who were always very kind to her. Oh, even Lily Evans, from Gryffindor, who always helped during her Transfiguration homework. She began to loathe the subject, but having it explained by Lily made it a bit nice from time to time.

Lastly, Sirius Black. They had the strangest of the relationships, but Kit liked that about them. She couldn’t call him her friend, but she couldn’t define theirs a simple acquaintance either. Why she thought that, she couldn’t say. Maybe the looks they gave each other in a mute understanding, or the shared passion for Quidditch, or maybe just the knowledge they had been each other’s first met before even arriving at Hogwarts. They were not friends, but Kit sincerely and secretely wished it could happen sometime.

Indeed in her years at Hogwarts she learnt about her love for Quidditch, even if it was just as a spectator. In fifth year Sylvie managed to be on the Hufflepuff team, and Kit liked to be on the stands during practice, with a blanket on her shoulders, and a textbook to read if she got bored – it rarely happened. She wasn’t a sports girl, something her father always complained about, but Quidditch seemed relaxing to her, even if she couldn’t play it all. She had even tried playing with the Ferrars twins and their other siblings a few times over summer break but it had been a total failure. So, she was perfectly content with watching the players fly around, stopping Bludgers, tossing Quaffles around the pitch all afternoon long.

On a cold November evening, a few weeks before the Hufflepuff vs Ravenclaw match, she was approached by Black on the stands, hands in his pockets, his slender neck uncovered, even if it was damn cold that day.

“Hi there, Kitty. How is it going?” he nodded towards the pitch, where Sylvie was currently chasing the Snitch up in the sky.

“I don’t like Kitty. Makes me think of a cat” she shuddered, hugging the cover tighter around her shoulders.

“Don’t you like cats? Most people do” he asked with a sneaky smile on his lips. He sat next to her on the wood bench, taking out of his pocket a pack of Muggle cigarettes.

“I guess they’re alright. I mean, they’re not my… Wait a sec, why are you here?” she questioned back, raising her eyebrows.

“Fancied a fag. Do you still smoke?”

They talked in hushed tones while smoking, even if no one could ever hear them properly. It seemed right that way. Between them it always was.

“You know you can’t actually be here? When Brighton notices you here she’ll freak out at your Captain friend. Again” she said, releasing some smoke in the chilly night.

“ _Captain_ Brighton can kiss my ass, as far as I’m concerned” he remarked with a snort.

“You wish” she commented with sarcasm. Sirius turned his face to her, surprise clearly all over his face.

“What, you like the lass?”

“You speak like a proper Scottish. And yeah, I like her. I mean, I’m not in love with her or anything but God, she’s gorgeous”

He squinted his eyes at her words. Kit tried her best not to laugh, but it wasn’t an everyday thing being capable of shutting up _the_ Sirius Black.

“I didn’t know you liked girls, Kitty”

“I like boys, too. Does that weird you out?”

“I don’t think so. No. It’s your business”

“Good”

They shared an uncomfortable silence, their elbows grazed against each other, but neither of them minded it. They were too busy in their own over-thinking.

“I won’t probably go home over Christmas” she heard him say before Vanishing his cigarette in the air.

“Do I get to know why?”

“Mother is a cunt” he responded fiercely, steering away from her look.

“Already knew that” she murmured with a fag still between her lips.

“You are so not Hufflepuff”

“Why is she a cunt this time?”

“She wants me to hang out with _proper_ people, so she wrote this afternoon”

“That’s why you’re here?”

“Kind of. I told you, fancied a smoke”

“Sure you did. Did you answer her?”

“I wouldn’t know what to write to her other than foul words”

“I’d be honest. That you’ll take no compromise. Even if you four can be straight bullies, and I don’t like that about you lot, you are each other’s people”

He stared at her in silence, bewildered.

“Uhm, I guess. Sorry, too deep. Didn’t mean to”

“You are right, though. Thanks”

Another silence grew between them, the wind was so lashing she couldn’t make out what the players were yelling to each other. She looked in Sirius’ direction, noticing again his naked neck.

She removed her scarf from her throat, and silently wrapped around him.

He said nothing, and looked down to the yellow and black patterns on his body.

“I look like a bee” he pouted.

She couldn’t help but laugh so hard her cheeks started to hurt a certain point.

They got to smoke just one more cigarette each before Captain Brighton noticed him there beside Kit and started cursing his whole name.

It was a girls’ night, as Sylvie liked to say, even if Kit thought it to be a silly definition, the tradition had started to grow on her. Usually that meant they would spend their night in the dormitory singing random disco songs – as well as ABBA’s, doing drinking games with their other friends, watching a movie on the projector that Phoebe, one of her roommates, managed to snuck in at the beginning of the new term. A relatively quiet night, to say the least.

“God, I really needed this” Ava said while sniffing a bit. She tended to get a little bit emotional while drunk, and was currently moaning about her ex boyfriend Jude, a quiet Slytherin who had broken up with her over summer without apparent reason.

“He must have found someone else during summer. Ugh, this is awful” snorted, tossing the bottle to Kit.

“I think he did because of that job in London. Long distance could be hard, Ava” considered Phoebe with a wise look on her young face. That made Kit snigger. She couldn’t consider herself drunk but, boy, she definitely was tipsy.

“Something fun, Kit?” Claire asked.

“I was thinking… I don’t know, really” she actually laughed this time, and the other girls soon followed in tow.

“Why do we have to talk about boys all the time?” asked Marine, faking annoyance.

“What do you want to talk about?” deadpanned Claire.

“Ugh, beats me. What about… girls?” she said after some deep thinking about it.

“Girls are good” murmured Kit with an approving tone.

“Pass me over some sweets, would you, Kit?” intervened Sylvie, apparently uninterested to their chit-chats.

“Here, my queen” she joked, producing herself in a fake hail. Sylvie ruffled her hair and took the bag of sweets without saying no more.

“Didn’t you eat anything?”

Kit stilled.

“Not hungry”

“But you love these”

“Not tonight”

“What’s up, Kit?”

“Nothing, Sylvie. I swear”

“It’s true when they say that Hufflepuffs are terrible liars” Marine said crossing her arms on her stomach.

“I just… I don’t know. I saw myself in the mirror last week and I feel so ugly. Ugh, give me this” she said to Claire, snatching the bottle of liquor from her hands.

She gulped some in a few moments, and her head definitely felt dizzier than before.

“I know there’s nothing I can say to convince you of the contrary, but just because you gained some pounds over summer it doesn’t mean you’re ugly. You know that fat doesn’t mean ugly, hell, you taught me that!” Ava snapped from her daydream, making Sylvie jump out of fear.

“Yeah, well, I can’t even follow my own advices” Kit said with a hint of sadness in her voice.

A knock on the door snapped them out of their reveries.

“Hide the fucking booze, quickly” Marine hissed, cleaning her bed in a hasty manner.

“Who is it?” Sylvie asked with her mouth full of sweets.

“Message for Fellowes!” some girl yelled from outside.

“What?” Kit asked, bored. She ducked the bottle out of the bed and took several sips. Some of it dripped on her tank top.

“There’s Black downstairs. He said he wants to talk to you”

She almost choked on the liquor. Sylvie snickered, while Phoebe swiftly proceded to take the bottle away from her.

“Is that all?” Kit screamed, wiping her mouth with her wrist.

She and Sirius haven’t had a proper conversation in what felt like, ages. But truthfully, the last time they actually spoke was just before summer break. And they were now approaching November. _Ages indeed,_ she thought. The girl knew he left his parents’ house in July, since he had sent her a letter to inform her of the news, but that was that. He never replied to her answer.

“He said to hurry!” the girl said hastily before running quickly away.

“What the heck wants Sirius Black from you?” Ava asked, confused.

“Beats me, really” she echoed Marine’s words from earlier, than started laughing again.

“ _The_ Sirius Black in the Badgers’ area. To what I owe the pleasure?” she sneered, when she got visual of him.

He was standing loosely against the wall, looking quite messy altogether. Maybe he was drunk too. Ops, tipsy.

“Are you pissed?” he asked with amusement. He was not drunk, so it seemed.

“Slightly. I think” she remarked, standing beside him with crossed arms on her chest.

“Is that why you’re lacking your usual three layers of wool?” he asked. Kit could feel his glance on her. His eyes were looking at her in a way she didn’t know it actually existed. She felt her cheeks redden violently. He truly was shameless.

“Oh, fuck. I forgot to dress” she cursed, making him actually smile with all of his teeth.

“We didn’t manage to talk since term started” he started, and Kit could swear he seemed a bit awkward being there, starting the whole “serious talk” thing. No pun intended.

“Yep. Heard you’re stayin’ with the Potters now” she murmured, looking her naked feet. They were truly unpleasant to look at. God.

“I’m sorry if I didn’t aknowledge you lately. Things have been pretty ectic” he apologised, his tone going on softer notes. That made her almost forget she actually was a bit angry with him. But he seemed to feel quite guilty about it. Served him right.

“Yeah, well. No worries” she said truthfully. She couldn’t forget _he_ actually forgot about her for months, but she was always too easy when it came to these kind of things. Her dad always said she was such a softie. Yeah, a softie dumbass.

“I mean it” he insisted.

“I know you mean it. That’s way I’m telling you not to worry”

He smiled again, and Kit cursed herself into tomorrow trying not to start smiling with every teeth she had. It wasn’t that she was a softie. Well, that too, but truly she was soft for him and him only. Always had been. Disgustingly, if one may add.

“Cool. So, what were you doing? There’s a party that I don’t know of?”

“No. It’s kind of a _girls’ night,_ so to say. God, that definition is so cringey”

Sirius gave her his signature smirk, tugging at his loose necktie like it was suffocating him. He was ridiculously messy that evening.

“It is. I’ve never seen you drunk before” he observed quietly, tucking a stray of her dark hair behind her ear. His fingers stilled for an endless moment. She felt her skin tingle under his hand. She wasn’t used to have someone touching her anymore. The last time she had a girlfriend had been sometime around fifth year, and after her she was asked out by a fellow Hufflepuff but it didn’t work out well. It didn’t work out at all.

“You didn’t see me drunk, at all. I’m _tipsy_ ” she remarked with a convinced tone, staring at his fingers leaving her face.

“Sure you are. But, look, I wanted to tell you something”

“Yes?”

“Next week I’m going to be seventeen. I kinda already know the guys are throwing me a surprise party and, well, I’d like you to be there”

“It’s not a surprise party, then” she just said, keeping him on his toes.

“It is in the intentions. Now, would you come?”

“Yes. But it is _not_ a surprise party if you already know”

“Peter accidentally told me. He’s a bit dense sometimes”

“How?”

“He said, would you like to get the booze for Sirius’ surprise party or shall I?”

“Oh, God, he _is_ dense” she laughed airily.

He ruffled his own hair, making them even more matted now. And that tie, and his shirt… Why was he so messy?

“Did you fuck someone before coming here?” she blurted in a second. Fucking. Hell.

“What?”

“I’m sorry. It’s just…You look so… messy? More than usual. James Potter like. God, I _am_ drunk” she stuttered, exhaling loudly. He shook his head, biting his teeth in his lower lip to restrain himself from laughing square in her face. 

“I went out for a fly” he said, slowly. 

“Oh. Well, yes. Of course. I’m truly sorry. I was just wondering... why, you know?” 

“I guess. It’s alright, Kitty. I’m not offended. Even if you basically said I look like shit” 

“You look nice. You always do” 

The words slipped from her mouth before she could do anything to stop them. The look in his eyes softened, his irises looked like melted iron. 

“You always do, too” he murmured, looking all over her face, and hair, and neck, and she felt so goddamn hot even if her feet were freezing in the dark hallway. She had to go back. She couldn’t ditch her friends like that. Even if the wish was quite strong. 

“I... I would like to stay here right now” she answered honestly, looking flushed on her cheeks. 

“Then why don’t you?” 

“Must go back. It’s girls’ night, after all” 

“No place for me in your girls’ night?” 

“I’m afraid not. Where will be this surprise party you told me about?” 

“I reckon Peter said it will be in the greenhouses. Eight o’ clock. Sort of” 

“The greenhouses? It’ll be fucking cold” she swore, hugging herself with her arms. It started to be fucking cold there too, but she didn’t want to leave Sirius yet.

“There are such things like Heating Charms? Ever heard of them?” he asked mischievously. Kit rolled her eyes at that. Honestly.

“Still, fucking freezing. Your friends have lost their mind” 

“I’m not sure they ever had one” he replied, faking a thoughtful expression.

“You surely are right on that. Well, I must be off” she said with a bit of reluctance. He surely noticed, but choose to say nothing.

“Alright. Are your roommates as drunk as you?” 

“Ava is. But she’s the worst kind of drunk in the world” she scoffed, raising her eyes to look at him. He was amused. Again.

“How so?” 

“She’s a mopey drunk” 

“Good luck with that. They truly are the worst” 

“Aye. I’m glad you showed up. I don’t know if I should say it, but I missed having you around” Kit admitted. Alcohol was being a proper bitch to her. She liked to be honest, most of the days, but _that_ honest? She was digging her own grave.

“You make me look like I’m a dog” he complained childishly, crossing his arms with a scoff.

“You are” 

“Oh?” 

If she didn’t know him well enough, she would have said he had become nervous all of a sudden.

“Sirius. The Dog Star. Honestly, you don’t even remember your own name” 

“I beg your pardon, I know my name very well indeed” 

“And now you’re speaking like Dumbledore” 

“I decided I don’t like drunk Kitty anymore” 

“I guess I’ll live” 

“I missed you, too” 

“I know” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. But it’s good to hear. Goodnight” 


	2. Five years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don’t know Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling does. 
> 
> So! This is my first serious attempt to smut, but I honestly don’t know what to think about it. Hope you’ll appreciate it! Anyway, I know I said there would have been just two chapters in total, but I wrote so much that I think there’ll be one or two chapters more. Hope you are staying safe, lots of love <3

The (surprise) party for Sirius’ birthday was an actual hit. Even better than the Halloween one, Kit thought, and that was hard to accomplish. The trip to the greenhouse had been nasty and cold and she almost get caught, on top of everything, but, just as Sirius had predicted, inside there was a lovely warm atmosphere, with those enchanted decorations hung up on the windows and the confetti all around the room. And Sprout’s plants were nowhere to be seen. It was very nice indeed.

There was a Muggle record player in the corner, which was currently playing some rock hit from a few years ago, and most people were dancing to the tune carelessly while drinking smelly alcohol from bright red cups. It seemed the kind of party she read of in magazines sometimes. Kit had never been to a proper party before, to be honest. Hufflepuffs seniors usually organised parties after a Quidditch win, but it never went wild because there always so many First Years ready to do so-not-appropriate-things for their age. She almost regretted being there, between people she didn’t even know. She doubted Lily Evans would be there, partecipating to something taboo like that. Lily was to be Head Girl next year, after all.

“Hi, Fellowes. Are you lost?” a male voice asked behind her. She turned to see who had spoken to her, and she found a rather high James Potter looking at her with an expression of confusion plastered on his face.

“Actually, no” she started. Of course James didn’t know much about her bond with Sirius. How could he? To every other person they were just classmates and, if necessary, study partners. Of course he know nothing.

She wanted to give him a proper reply, but Remus Lupin cut in quite hastily.

“You have to come, James” he said, then noticed Kit standing there in front of them, an awkward expression on her face.

“Hi, Kit. Sirius wondered if you’d show up” he greeted her with a pleasant smile. Someone else knew, then.

“ _He invited you?_ ” James asked, not bothering to hide his surprise.

“You found her!” intervened, at last, the birthday boy. He was glowing in happiness, Kit could clearly see that.

“ _Fellowes is a friend of yours?_ ”

James still couldn’t wrap his head around it. It was quite funny to look at it.

Sirius stilled for a brief moment at his abrupt question, than showed her a little smile.

“Yeah. She is” he said, with a earnest expression on his features. Kit smiled back, a loss for words.

James nodded pensively, then clapped his hands theatrically.

“Cool. Then shall we get wasted or not?” he said, looking towards the alcohol table.

“Must find Peter first. That’s why I was looking for you. He’s singing _Pretty woman_ to Mary. Again” Remus groaned, tugging James’ shirt towards the center of the room. Both Sirius and James laughed at that, then the latter turned in her direction.

“That’s something I want to see. You coming?” he asked to Sirius, nodding to Kit as well.

“In a minute” he answered quietly before looking at her again. Remus and James exchanged a brief look before leaving them on their own.

“Don’t you want to see Peter’s serenade?”

“I know it by heart. I wanted to see you first”

“Here I am. Don’t be too disappointed”

“I thought you wouldn’t come anymore”

“I had some wardrobe issue. Kind of”

That was an understatement. She had been so unsure about her outfit – she had actually changed four times, that minutes before leaving the dormitory Sylvie had to smack her on the head and told her she was behaving like a fool. Again, an understatement.

His eyes overlooked discreetly her figure, covered in a sleeveless reddish dress that her sister Liane had lent her over summer. She wanted desperately him to say something, because his look made her ears, and face, and neck match with her dress.

“I see no issue here” he said then, linking his eyes with hers.

She nodded, clearing her dry throat.

“I have a gift for you, nothing much, really” Kit remembered, looking away from his face to rummage through her bag.

“To be fair, I didn’t actually buy it. Didn’t get the chance but, well. Here” she handed him the package.

“You got me a gift?”

“You do that when you get invited, right? And it’s not a proper gift”

“Shut it, it is to me” he said, ripping the paper around it quite excitedly. She snorted at his antics, but smiled nonetheless. He looked down to the package, which contained one her beloved vinyls.

 _The rise and fall of Ziggy Stardust_ had always been cathartic to her. She had found it in a dusty record store two years before during a daytrip with Liane, and after the first listen she decided it was her favorite album in the whole world.

“I looked so much around for this in London! It’s always sold out” he exclaimed with a surprised glint in his eyes.

“Oh, God, I’m glad you like it” she exhaled with relief. He put down the album, and turned his attention on her.

“I would have liked anything from you” he said, scratching his nose. He seemed nervous. That was a first.

“That’s good to know” she murmured with a smile.

“Did you steal it or what?”

“Uh?”

“You said you didn’t actually buy it”

“Oh! Well, I did. In a way. This was mine”

“Why are you giving it to me?”

“I wanted you to have it. I think you’ll like it even more than I did”

“Won’t you miss listening to it?”

“I know it by heart” she repeated his words from earlier.

An abrupt noise snapped them out of their personal bubble.

“Should we go and check your friends?”

“Do I get a birthday kiss before we go?”

Kit scoffed, trying to hide her embarassment before he was able to notice.

“Do you deserve it?” she joked, crossing her arms on her stomach to hide the trembling of her fingers.

“It’s my birthday. Let me think I deserve something good for one day”

She stared at him. Did he really think that?

“I was joking, Kit. Really” he added in order to calm her down. She didn’t believe it for a moment, but let it be for the time being. It wasn’t the right place to talk about that, after all. And besides, would he ever talk with her about something like that?

Kit stepped towards him, observing how his thick eyelashes grazed his rosy cheeks, how his hair circled his pale face illuminated by the suffused lights around them, appreciating the way his lips were curved in a cocky smile, so typical of him.

“I really feel like kissing you” she said then.

And that did it. For good.

Over the course of the years she had imagined once or twice what would it be like to kiss Sirius Black. How would it feel. Whether she would like his touch or not. His scent, the taste of his mouth. She wondered at night, where no one could ever guess what she was thinking. She felt ashamed of her thoughts, because she seemed so obsessed with him, as if he wasn’t even a real person. But he was so vivid in her mind, all of him, body, soul, and character. And her doubts had weakened over the years; more she knew about him, more she desired to know. He wasn’t perfect, she was well aware of that. But, alas, neither was she.

Their first kiss didn’t happen in the greenhouse. She wasn’t sure of their surroundings, but in that moment she didn’t want to check. Honestly, she didn’t care of anything beside his hands on her cheeks, the moulding of their mouths together, the gently grazing of their frames. Everything around them was cold, the wall against her back, the wind stinging their limbs, everything but their bodies. She felt the heat radiate from his tongue, making her quiver in a way she found almost embarassing, but that he seemed to enjoy. _Of course he would_ , she thought to herself. Their kisses were sloppy, full of teeth, all too urgent and God, so peaceful. She felt good, light-hearted, dizzy with excitement. He left her mouth, moved his lips on her cheek, then the temple, stopping on her jaw, nipping on it with enthusiasm.

“Oh. That feels nice” she sighed against his neck, circling it with her icy fingers.

“Yeah?” Sirius murmured on her skin, making her giddy.

“Yep” she confirmed, stealing him another kiss. He responded happily to her, tugging lightly on her hair to be even closer to her body, and tightened one arm around her frame, pinning her against the wall.

“Kit” he whispered then, pressing his lips to her nose.

“Mh?” she asked absentmindedly, closing her eyes once again under his ministrations.

“Would you come up? With me?” he asked, his voice slightly unsure of his words.

Kit stilled for a brief moment, and bit her lip deep in thought. She had expected it to happen, to be fair. They were young, careless and, by God, very horny. But nonetheless, she couldn’t find a right answer for him. He placed his hands on her shoulders, keeping her body close.

“I didn’t mean like that. Well, I mean, I thought about it, God knows I did, but I’d like to stay with you somewhere we won’t freeze our asses off, for a change” he rambled, squeezing her arms lightly. He was so different that night. In what way, she could not say with certainty. But he was.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that too. I’m lacking my usual three layers of wool” she smiled at his antics, relaxing again in his hold.

“Okay” he murmured, than took her hand in his and led her away.

His dormitory was empty, of course. During their short trip Filch almost caught them _twice,_ but they couldn’t be fazed off. Well, Kit could, just a little bit, but being with Sirius made the other things around them fade a little. She felt so silly, really. She had been raised thinking she wouldn’t ever need a man to be complete, to be a woman to all effects, and yet she felt differently around Sirius. She was happy on her own. Most of the time. She was content with her beloved friendships, with her family, with her own company. No, the thing was totally different. She wanted Sirius. In a way she couldn’t even describe to herself. The girl honestly didn’t want to end in that spiral of thought, but Sirius had gone briefly to the loo, leaving her in her own bubble of overthinking. In the end he opened the bathroom door, hands in his pockets, and smiled widely at her, standing awkardly by his bed. She couldn’t help but smile back.

Their kisses had become more heated minute after minute, and his hands were going south, her dress high up on her waist. She was grateful for the pale moonlight, since she didn’t think she could ever be so bold in daylight. Or in artificial light, that is. The hushed tones, the gloomy lighting and silence enveloping them were hypnotizing. All of that snogging actually wasn’t tecnically planned. Sirius had put on the vinyl she had gifted him earlier, and laid on the bed against her. And there was some talking. Nonsense talking, but still talking. Some confessions, too. But then she couldn’t resist, and had leaned over to kiss him, once and chastely. And again, that did it.

She felt his hands on her knickers, moving on her warm skin with a feather touch.

“Can I touch you?” he asked on her cheek, kissing it slowly. She shuddered at his breath on her face, and could only make out a strangled _ah, yes._

After that, his hand was between her legs, overcoming the slight barrier of cotton, finding her warm and slick and moist. She gasped, taking his head closer to hers, moaning quietly on his mouth. He worked her slowly, like they were the two last people on the earth, and nothing could bother them anymore. She loved it. Loved how his breathing on her neck became harder after her moaning, loved the gentle but firm touch on her sensitive folds, she even loved the way he kept her against him, making her feel all of him.

She wanted all of him. He lost his shirt in the process, and her thumbs explored curiously his broad back, feeling his muscles move under her touch, sticking her nails a little bit when his hand became bolder by minute.

His fingers prodded her entrance tentatively, making her squirm under his body. That felt even better.

“Is that okay?” Sirius murmured on her lips, looking for eyes. When Kit met his look found something she didn’t notice yet. Lust, pure and simple.

“Ah-ah” she gasped, rocking her hips towards his hand unintentionally. He smirked against her mouth, then kissed it again, and again and again. She felt her lips heavy and swollen.

He quickened slightly his pace, her frame rose and fell without a rhythm, and the mere thought he was there, fingering her shamelessly, during his birthday night, made her almost laugh. Sirius noticed, stopping briefly to check on her.

“Something funny?” he asked, moving some hair from her forehead. She let her face fall in his hand, and he circled it gracefully, caressing her cheek with his thumb.

“Nothing you need to know” she managed to answer, kissing his chin sweetly. Sirius moved his fingers languidly, making her ache for more.

“No?”

“Mh” she sighed, when his fingers quickened again, feeling their smacking in her wet core. That sound, she found, was truly lovely. And then she felt kisses on her neck, on the verge of her still covered breasts, sweet licks on her throat, and the fingers in her from two became three and touched just the right spot and her legs trembled and she was so overwhelmed she couldn’t help but beg, _beg_ him.

“Please keep going” she gasped against his ear, and then Sirius flicked his fingers so swiftly she felt oxygen leave her lungs just for a moment, a strangled, long moan leaving her lips.

She collapsed on the sheets, bringing Sirius with her. He kept massaging the bundle of nerves quietly, waiting for her to calm down, then kissed softly the corner of her mouth.

They stared at each other for a while, wordlessly. She could almost see her reflex in his iron eyes, imagining how he felt having her laid out on a foreign bed, her legs spread open and a perfectly fine dress almost torn in half.

She kissed him once again, locking her arms around his neck, and awkardly tried to invert their positions.

“Do you want to be on top?” he asked then with a small laugh.

She covered her face out of embarassment, feeling her cheeks grow red for the umpteenth time.

Sirius laughed a second time, softly this time, and removed her hands from her forehead, placing a short kiss on it.

In his eyes there was still that glint of lust.

When he entered her, a little later, she was nothing but uncomfortable. At first.

Before that, they had discussed for a while. She had removed her dress, standing in the moonlight with only her blackish knickers, but it was absolutely clear to him she didn’t feel at ease like that.

“Do you feel ashamed of me?” he asked slowly, confused by her reaction.

She shook her head.

“More like I am ashamed of me” she snorted, crossing her arms on her chest. Sirius had stayed silent for a brief moment.

“There’s anything I can do?” the boy asked then, an earnest expression on his face.

“It’s not your problem” Kit answered articulating clearly her words.

“Would you feel better if you wore something? I have lots of shirts, I’ll have you know”

She smiled tenderly and nodded at his offer with a grateful expression on his face.

After that, they found themselves entangled again, and Sirius finally removed his jeans, kicking them on the bed beside them. That seemed to light a sparkle in her head.

“Oh, wait. What about James and the others?” she asked breathless.

“Why would you want to know about my pals while you’re in _my_ bed?” he joked, tightening his hold on her lower back.

“I mean, won’t they come back?” Kit asked feigning annoyance.

He shook his head at her, his fingers now up her stomach, playing with her skin softly.

“They won’t. I swear. And if they do, the curtains are closed. And you’re quite dressed. So” he listed in a hushed tone.

“That better be true” she grumbled, but proceded to meet his mouth again nonetheless, groaning when his tongue met hers in an erratic pace.

Once again, everything was overwhelming. Kit felt light-headed. Sirius’s dick was inside her, spreading her wide, and she was a loss for words.

He stilled, his body aligning with hers, his right hand on her hip, the other one on her ribs. She felt his fingers stop under her breast, waiting for her to tell him to stop touching her there. But Kit only nodded, and thirty seconds later Sirius’ hand was cupping one of her breasts gently, thightening two fingers around her nipple. Her skin prickled under his ministrations, another moan left her mouth inadvertly. He sighed on her neck, while moving slowly but firmly back and forth, her tight walls squeezing him in a vice grip.

“How does this feel?” he asked then, pressing his forehead against hers.

“Nice. Feels nice. A bit odd” she murmured, eyes shut mindlessly.

They moved towards each other silently now, the only noise she could register were the rustle of the covers beneath her, his groaning, the wind whistling outside the windows, the smacking of their – almost – naked bodies together, another song from her – _their_ – album playing quietly in the back of the room - she couldn’t make up which one was, her own moans filling up his ears.

“Your skin is so soft” he whispered, biting lightly her collarbone while twirling another nipple with his nimble thumbs.

“Yeah?” she whispered back, touching his stomach with both her hands to ground him against her.

“The softest” he breathed on her upper lip, cupping both her breasts in his hands. Kit squirmed, wanting more, and more, even more than he was already giving to her. And that he did.

His movements became less regular, indulging his body in her arms, pushing himself deeper this time.

“God, Sirius” Kit sobbed against his neck, her legs thightening around his hips even harder than before. That seemed to trigger him, and she heard him sigh one more time.

“Kit, I think…” he tried, pinching her nipples hard. She winced, but felt her core grow even wetter.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. Come” she whispered against his mouth. He rounded his hips against hers, and moved one hand away from her breast to rest between her legs again, touching her less delicately this time.

“Sirius, you don’t need to…” she gasped, halting her answer in half when his fingers flicked quickly on her clit.

“Please” he now begged to her.

 _How the tables have turned,_ she managed to realize, while something started to snap inside her. She felt Sirius lose his control, moving wildly around her, and God, that was beautiful.

He exhaled another gasp, then his movements became sloppy, erratic, confused. She felt her core stiffen around him, then something moist leaked down her legs, spilling from the condom he had put hurriedly earlier. His fingers continued on teasing her nonetheless, not stopping at all, and before she could even realize it she had come on his hand again, moving her hips up and down his wet fingers.

After, they stayed silent for some time. Sirius removed his dick from her, went to throw the condom in trash. Handed a towel to her to clean his cum from her skin. And then laid beside her, still undressed. Her shirt was up on her stomach, without him upon her she started to feel the cold.

The vinyl was still on, the first song had started playing again.

“This” she started “is my favorite song”

“Ever?” he turned to look at her.

“I guess” Kit shrugged.

“ _Five years_ is a sad one” Sirius observed quietly. She looked at him square in his eyes, overwhelmed. The look on his eyes, the emotions she had felt until then, the song ringing in her ears, so close to what she sensed in that, got to her. A lonely tear left the corner of her eye without any warning. Kit exhaled loudly, batting her teeth.

“I really feel like crying right now. God. Sorry”

“Don’t be. I am not” he replied, seriously.

“I am ridicolous. Just ridicolous”

“Kitty” Sirius murmured, approaching her slowly. He turned her face to be right in front of his, enveloping her frame with an arm.

She stilled. That one word worked like a balm on her nerves. He had always called her like that. He was the only one allowed to.

“Say it again” she whispered.

“Kitty” he breathed, holding her close to his chest, Kit could feel her nipples still hard against his skin.

She gave it up, and cuddled against him, huddled under his arm. Sighing against his chest, she pressed one open-mouthed kiss against his rib cage while he threaded his fingers in her tresses.

“Happy birthday” she mouthed against his skin. He kissed there lightly on the head, whispering a soft _thank you_ somewhere around her right cheek.

Kit tried to quiet down a shiver but Sirius felt it right on his skin.

“Are you cold? I have a pyjama somewhere in here” he asked.

“I’m good. I’m not shivering because of the cold” she admitted.

“Then what…? Ah. Well, isn’t that flattering” Sirius joked, kissing her all over her face.

She laughed heartily.

It was the November the 3rd, 1976. And they were young and happy and carefree. And all they had were five years.


	3. Goodbye kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER:I don't own Harry Potter. J.K.Rowling does. You know that.
> 
> Here I am with another lenghty chapter. This originally was even longer, but it was becoming too messy and I didn't like the vibe. Anyway, next chapter should be up tonight or tomorrow morning. In the meantime, I hope you'll like this as much I liked writing it! Stay safe, lots of love <3
> 
> ndr: for people who don't have familiarity with the Marauders' dynamics, in their Sixth Year Sirius, probably out of spite, let Snape know how to entry the Shreiking Shack, where Remus was spending his full moon as a Werewolf. Snape had fallen in Sirius' trap, and went to the Shack, and actually risked his life but James, warned by Sirius, had saved him right on time. For this, according to canon, they actually had a huge fight. I hope I'm accurate enough, if not let me know.

November the 4th, 1976, was one of Kit Fellowes’ favorite days in the her whole life. Kind of.

She had woken up with her legs hot against Sirius’, his body worst than a furnace. She laid on her back, looking absentmindedly to the ceiling upon them. He, right beside her, was sleeping on his side with his head nestled on her shoulder and one hand pressing slightly on her stomach.

Kit sighed, pulling some hair away from his face, threading her fingers in his dark locks. He looked so peaceful in his sleep. She had never seen him like that before. The sun wasn’t up yet, she had checked a little earlier. And his friends were nowhere to be seen. Being alone with him, even if asleep, felt like a blessing.

But she had to go before anyone could notice her hanging around Gryffindor’s Tower. Better, before Filch caught her and delivered her straight to Dumbledore himself. She tried to get away from his grip, but Sirius insinuated one leg between hers, grounding her to bed. He was so cheeky.

“Kitty?” he mumbled against her sternum, moving closer around her.

“Yes?”

“You smell so good” he said quietly, placing a kiss on her jaw.

“That’s good to know, Dad always complains five pounds are too much for a shampoo” she joked while welcoming his body moulding against hers.

“You buy it in Muggle stores?” he frowned, sniffing it closely. Kit burst out laughing, feeling her belly vibrate from her giggles.

“You’re such a dork” the girl said with a wide smile on her face.

“I’ve been called worse” Sirius snorted in her arm, enveloping her in a crush hug. His words ringed in her mind, making her think about what he said the night before at the party. Kit thought maybe it wasn’t the right time to talk about certain things, with her being almost naked and his dick half-hard against her stomach. But she was _so_ curious.

“Do you really think you don’t deserve anything good?” she asked, observing his features become sharper and colder than a second earlier.

“I told you I was joking” he said after a little pause, avoiding her look.

“Didn’t seem a joke to me” she answered quietly.

“Do we need to talk about this?” he groaned, disentangling himself from her and plopping on his back, arms crossed. She narrowed her eyebrows, surprised at his reaction. It was a sore point, then. She sat up with legs crossed and looked down her lap.

“I just… Well, isn’t this awkward” she thought out loud while playing with the hem of her – his – shirt. It was a Led Zeppelin one. Interesting. She wondered if he was Queen’s fan as well.

“I’m sorry, Kitty. I don’t feel like talking about that. Nothing personal” he said firmly, shrugging his shoulders.

“But…” she tried, but her words were cut off.

“How would you feel if I’d keep asking why you didn’t want to get naked last night?”

She stayed quiet. Another sore point. Why did they wake up in the first place?

“Look, Kitty, I’m not saying I won’t ever talk about _that,_ but I’m not really in the mood right now”

She still didn’t know what to say. In her mind they would have spent the remaining hours they had cuddling and whispering sweet nothings. But she had lived on a cloud long enough. Their whole night together had been a castle on the clouds.

“Why don’t you come back here? It’s still early” he touched lightly her knee, making her jump out from her reflections.

“I don’t think I can” she murmured. Sirius removed his hand from her skin, and she already missed it.

“Have I upset you?” he asked with a concerned tone. Kit shook her head, smiling sadly.

“It’s not that. We didn’t think at all, yesterday” she started slowly. He looked disappointed.

“Are you saying you regret it?”

Kit shook her head firmly, feeling her shaggy hair move around her forehead. She must have been a disaster.

“Not for a moment. But we didn’t think through it. And this discussion confirms it”

“You lost me at _not for a moment”_ he grinned, making himself comfortable against the headband of the bed. She noticed a small tattoo on his hip that in the dark of the night had been almost invisible, it looked like an Ancient Rune or something. And the covers were low on his abdomen, and he was so tempting. God, she was an horny mess.

“You’re so distracting” Kit sighed, pressing her fingers on her temples.

“What’s to think through? Are we talking of labels or what?”

 _Bingo, Watson._ Kind of.

“I’m not exactly saying I want a relationship, Sirius”

“Then what do you want?” he asked bluntly.

Kit hesitated. What did she want? A relationship? Certainly not, there were no bases to build something like that. _Well, it isn’t like all relationships had solid basis since the beginning_ , a part of her objected. _Yeah, look at your parents,_ another part intervened. Point taken. She wasn’t ready. And probably neither was he.

“God, this is so fucking difficult” she swore under her breath, almost wishing he didn’t wake up that early.

“You’re quite hot when you swear” he observed frankly, eyes fixed on her lips. Sirius Black was a fucking tease, she thought with frustration. He was there, looking that handsome without any effort, and the only thing she could do was blabbering non-stop about responsabilities and consequences and other shit. She truly had to sort out her priorities.

“Yeah, swear-words have their appeal indeed, but I was trying to make a point here”

“Do you like foul language then? You know, for future times” he wriggled his eyebrows suggestively, letting her subtly know that indeed it wasn’t a one-time thing for him. Good to know.

“I… Alright, I might, but will you please let me finish?” she admitted, exhausted. Talking with him so early in the morning was proving her to be one of the most tiring thing in the world.

“Be my guest”

“How do we act from now on?”

That seemed enough to shut him up. Finally, she thought almost smugly.

“Nothing witty to say, now?” she teased, looking around for her knickers. They were nowhere to be found.

“I was thinking”

“Yeah? ‘Bout what?”

“I like this between us. Like, very much” he said, reaching for her hand again. He tugged it lightly towards his body and she accomplished, mounting on his lap with, she hoped, some delicacy.

“And I like you on me” he added, circling her face with both his hands.

“I bet you do” she snorted, feeling his dick hard against her thigh. Fucking hell.

“Stop it, Kitty” he whispered on her lips, making her shudder with excitement. She felt his hands moving slowly around the hem of her shirt, shifting it up on her hips. She was naked under it. Kit found it difficult to concentrate on an actual answer, especially when his hands, hot and a bit calloused, were all over her back.

“So, what are you saying? Casual hook-ups? Fuckbuddies? I don’t follow you anymore” Kit asked with a bluntness she didn’t know she had. Sylvie’s influence, probably.

“Kitty, you’re my friend”

_Am I?_

“And?”

“I think we could more than fuckbuddies. I don’t even like that definition”

_I don’t, too._

“You’re killing me” she admitted, abandoning her head against his shoulder.

“Why don’t we give it a try? I get what you were saying, about not thinking through it. But here we are. I truly don’t want you avoiding me after last night”

“I don’t think I would” the girl defended herself with a scoff. But he was actually right. Not in the slightest she would ever look at him the same, not when they’d shared so much more than a fuck. Well, they’d fucked indeed, but they weren’t strangers. She trusted him. And hoped he did trust her as well.

“I’m sure you would, actually. Let me think I know you well enough to assume it”

_Indeed._

“Alright, then. I think it’ll be a mess, though. Mark my words” she said with a mocking smile.

“I like messy. Like your hair right now. Seriously, it looks like a bird’s nest” Sirius joked, threading his fingers in her locks. She tried to push him away, but he grounded her on him grabbing her arms lightly. She sighed heavily when her bare core brushed against his dick, making her shiver once again.

“That’s not very nice to say” she mumbled in an accusatory tone.

“Joking. Just joking. You look lovely. Truly”

She looked unabashed from his compliment, arms crossed on her stomach. Sirius enveloped her thighs with both his hands, smiling widely when he felt goosebumps grow on her skin.

“I hate you, really. I hate that I can’t stay mad at you for more than five minutes. Makes me feel like a big softie”

He laughed eartily, then proceded to give her one huge kiss on her cheek.

“Ah, but you _are_ a softie” he said in between kisses on her whole face, alternating at every word a kiss.

“When are your friends coming back?”

“Don’t have the slightest idea”

“Good”

In the end, she actually managed to stay mad at him for more than five minutes. She managed for a whole week, to be fair.

They had been seeing each other since Sirius’ birthday night, and didn’t make a mystery of it. Their mates in school knew, teachers knew, even her parents and sister had learnt she was seeing somebody. Obviously, there were no labels on it, but it wasn’t like either of them cared about that. She didn’t expect it to be so nice, but it actually was. Their teasing, the comforting moments they shared after a bad day, the affection they showed to each other were so pleasing that sometimes she thought she could get used to have that with him in long-term. But never said it out loud.

They fought with a certain regularity, but it had been mostly on stupid things like the bickering on the latest Quidditch match, the disagreement they had on a movie they had watched cuddled together in an almost empty cinema during Christmas break, the little show of jealousity she put on when he let her know that a few girls had asked him out for Valentine’s day.

(The most heated up fight they had until then had been when she found out about Remus’ lycanthropy and Sirius’ being an animagus. She had discovered unintentionally, really, since she was half asleep on Sirius’ chest in his common room. For quite some time she had taken to hang out with him and his friends from time to time, and had realized their company wasn’t bad at all. She didn’t mind their noisy encounters, even if they left her with such massive headachess that she wondered how in the world Sirius was putting up with them. And that night, late in January, they had played Exploiding Snap until they were the only ones left in the room, until she fell asleep. Well, half-asleep. And then James had made some comment about moons, and furry creatures and _that time of the month._ And then Sirius said something about missing being a dog lately. And she connected wearily the dots missing, and was wide awake in the next two minutes.

 _Shit,_ Sirius had said when realized she heard everything. Shit indeed. After reassuring Remus she would have brought the secret down to her grave, and sworn the same to James and Peter, she had gotten up and walked away so quickly that Sirius struggled to stay behind her.

“Why are you angry?” he asked when he finally managed to get a hold of her. She had snapped at him for the first time in all the months they had been seeing each other, getting away from his grip quite abruptly. The halls were dark and creepy and probably there were some between Prefects and Heads that waited nothing more to jump on them, so he urged her on a tight and dusty broom closet.

“Don’t you understand?” she answered rudely.

“It wasn’t my secret to tell, Kitty. I had no right to tell you about Remus”

“I’m not talking about Remus, for fuck’s sake!”

“Then what?”

“You don’t trust me, Sirius. Like, at all. You just like to fuck me”

“Are you for real?”

“I don’t know anything about you! You don’t talk to me. You used to do it more when we were not together. I can’t understand you”

“I just don’t want to trouble you with my problems”

“But I want to be troubled by you! I do that with you all the time! I wish you’d trust me as much as I trust you”

“It’s not about trust, Kit. It’s not”

“Then what it is?”

“I… I feel broken, most of the days. Don’t know why. Well, maybe I do, but it just happens. And then I think I’d like to talk about it with you, but… It’s hard, Kitty. I’m not used to share my feelings and all that shit”

“I just wish we could be like, I don’t know, a normal couple sometimes. I know we’re not one, but I’d like you to lean on me when you need it”

“A normal couple. I think I can try”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah”)

So yeah, they were normal fightings, made by quite a normal couple. Most of the times.

Her day had started quite normally indeed. She had woken up, had a shower, and went to the Great Hall with her roommates. There was some chit-chat with Sylvie and Ava, since no one was actually capable of having a proper conversation that early in the morning, and tons of grumbling and yawning. An usual morning at the Ravenclaw table. But then Sirius slided in the bench beside her, looking tired and sad. No, more than sad. He looked miserable, with those huge damp eyes and the shadow of dark circles under them.

“You look like utter shit. Are you okay?” she asked, adjusting some fallen hair behind his ear then caressing lightly his unshaved cheek. He leaned in her touch, closing his eyes almost in relief.

“Can we talk after breakfast?” he murmured in her palm, eyelids still closed.

She looked over her shoulder, towards Gryffindor’s table, searching for his best mates. She spotted James, looking livid in his face, while Peter seemed as miserable as Sirius. Remus wasn’t there.

“Did something happen with James?” she asked quietly, removing her hand from his skin.

“After breakfast. I’ll find you. Alright?” he said tiredly.

Kit was convinced something really bad had happened, but didn’t feel like talking with all her classmates present in front of them. And besides, she had found over the course of their months together that Sirius was quite the private person, even if didn’t exactly strike like one at first.

“Alright” she mumbled, confused.

He nodded shortly and enveloped her cheeks with his hands, pressing a light and quick kiss on her lips, then left as fast as he had arrived.

“That was strange” Phoebe commented while biting on some toasted bread quite noisily.

“I’ll say” Kit said, her eyes trained on his figure leaving the Great Hall.

He eventually found her later that morning. He intercepted her while she was heading to Potions, and dragged her in an empty classroom without the usual glee he had during their _rendez-vous._

He closed the door behind him and rested his back against it, exhausted.

Kit moved towards him, cradling his face in her hands delicately. He looked like he needed a good night of sleep.

“What happened?”

He shook his head firmly.

“You’ll hate me” he murmured, boring his grey eyes in her chocolate one.

“You said that when you charmed my hair purple and yet here I am” she tried to joke, hoping in a small smile from him. He shook his head again, looking hopeless.

“I messed up, Kit. Big time” he whispered like he was revealing her a huge secret in a room filled of people.

“What happened with your friends?”

He winced at her blunt question. Then started talking. His words were flowing, more like. It

She was so confused about the whole business it actually took her a minute to realize what he had actually done.

“You could have killed him” she said icily, surprising even herself with her reaction.

“I know”

“Why? Why did you even think it?”

“He was threathening Remus, saying he would expose his _condition_ to the whole school, and Remus looked so desperate… I don’t know, really. I wasn’t thinking straight. I never do when Snape is involved”

“That’s no excuse”

“I know”

“And now they’re angry at you”

“Furious. I don’t blame them”

“Yeah”

There was a pregnant pause. Kit thought on his words, still star-struck. She’d never expect something like that from Sirius. From someone vile and corrupt and evil, yes. But that description didn’t suit him at all. He was a good person. He always had been to her. The thought he could have Snape’s blood on his hands if hadn’t been for James, who risked his ass for him, made her shudder violently. But worse than that, the fact he put Remus, _his very best friend,_ in a situation where he could have actually killed Snape, made her sick with worry and despair. That wasn’t him.

“Are you angry?” he asked quietly. Kit shook her head back and forth, eyes fixed on her shoes. She couldn’t find space in her body for anger. He had let her down. That was enough.

“I’m disappointed. Not angry” she revealed him earnestly. He nodded thoughtfully.

“That’s worse” Sirius said, pressing a hand against his forehead. She wondered when was the last time he had a proper night of sleep. The last time they had slept together she had woken a bit earlier than him and stared at his relaxed features, making him look innocent and young.

“I know” she sighed. Another silence. This time neither of the two knew how to fill it. It was becoming too difficult, even for them.

“Are we through, then?” Sirius asked, looking almost unsure. The last time Kit had seen him like that was even before they started going out together. It had been months.

“What?”

“Are you through with me?” he repeated, curving his brows.

 _God knows I’m not_ , she thought.

“What? No. Unless you want to” she responded then, watching his broodish expression change in a surprised one. God, he truly expected she would have left him straight away.

“Of course not”

“Good. But I feel we shouldn’t be together for some time” she continued, scratching one nail with her teeth. His face fell again, just like his shoulders. But he nodded nonetheless.

“I see”

“I’m not tossing you out, Sirius. I just… I don’t like the kind of person you are right now. I know you can be so much better than this” she assured him, taking his hand in his, palms warm and fingers icy like always. Some things never changed.

“Yeah, I don’t know about that” Sirius snorted, playing with the lines on her hand. He wasn’t looking at her.

“I do. You can. You are to me” Kit insisted fiercely.

He raised his head to meet her eyes again, filled with sorrow and regret and guilt. But she could see a small, almost imperceptible glint of hope.

“I feel like I don’t thank you enough sometimes” he said, kissing her knuckles.

“I don’t want to be thanked. Just, think about that, alright?”

“Alright”

“Need to go now, I’m quite late” she sighed, feeling almost guilty in leaving him right when he needed someone. But he needed to realize he had been wrong. Sirius never liked to say sorry, he was never thaught to. But there was always time to learn. And in the meantime, she couldn’t be around him. It would have never worked like that. Never.

She approached him and stood on her toes, kissing him on the mouth. He responded immediately, gripping her hips with his both hands, his back hitting the cold wall behind him. They had kissed like that hundred times, but everytime his tongue and touch and the warm firmness of his body still made her knickers go damp in less than five minutes, and when she had told him, while they were both quite intoxicated with alcohol, he had laughed so hard she had to hit him on the head. Kit groaned in his mouth when he bit her lower lip, and had to recall all her good will to not ground her hips against his like they had done on other occasions. She pressed on his mouth, chapped and cold and so dear to her one last time, then drew back visibly panting. His lips were rosy just as his cheeks.

“A farewell kiss?” he asked, perplexed. She smiled weakly.

“No, it’s a goodbye one” she corrected. And with her heart heavy with pain and disappointment she left the room in a hurry.


	4. Hello it’s me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I obviously don’t own Harry Potter ;) 
> 
> Hi again, folks! Im so so sorry about the delay, I was going to update yesterday afternoon but I have been out and couldn’t do it straight away! Again, sorry! So! Quite the angsty chapter. With some fluff. And smut. Yeah. Nothing different, honestly. I didn’t plan it to be so freaking long, but I couldn’t help myself. Sorry bout it, hope you enjoy. Lots of love :)
> 
> Before you go on to read, in this chapter there are representations of homophobic and fatphobic behaviour. This is a safe place, and the homophobic/fatphobic character in question doesn’t absolutely represent my feelings. I myself am a lgbt member and overweight woman, and I’m telling you: you’re doing great, whoever you are and wherever you are right now. 
> 
> There are also mentions of death, though nothing graphic, and descriptions of physical assault. Again, nothing graphic. Let me know if I forgot anything!

Their sort-of-break had done her well. Kind of. She missed him dearly, but cherished her alone time. It had been a while since she managed to be on her own, between classes and study groups and friends and all that snogging. Now that they were approaching Easter, professors let them students lay down for a bit, leaving some unusual free time for her, so used to squeeze all her engagements together all the time.

She went to Hogsmeade with Lanie, her Potions’ partner, and Marine, who happened to have a crush for Lanie for ages – that was actually awkward; did a rewatch of The Rocky Horror Picture Show with her roommates, much to Sylvie’s dismay, who had quite a dislike for musicals. And danced to the Time Warp, also to Sylvie’s dismay. She caught up with the Ferrars twins that had been busy as hell with their Quidditch matches and N.E.W.T.s duties, and read more then she did in an entire term. It had been some busy months. But honestly, she couldn’t wait to get home for Easter holidays. Her sister Liane had gotten married the year before to a man she had known at work, a decent man actually, and was now pregnant with her first child. Apparently, she was due just after the Easter festivities, somewhen around the end of April, and Kit was honestly thrilled to spend some time with her big sister before she became a full time business woman _and_ mother. They had always been joined to the hip, as her father said, even if Liane was nine years older than her, and since she got married Kit felt they’d got a bit distant, but that wasn’t nobody’s fault. She was at Hogwarts the whole year, and Liane had a job in Diagon Alley that kept her quite busy. To be fair, she didn’t even expect her to become a wife and a mother so early – she was twenty-five and always seemed a bit adverse to the whole marriage thing. But then she had met this Benjamin guy at work, and fell over the moon for him. That was a first for her sister. She’d never been in love seriously in her life, and from what she told her in confidence, Ben cherished her in every possible way. Which she was glad to know, but actually shuddered at thought of her sister having wild sex with her husband.

In the meantime, her father had told her in a letter he had met someone new. His words betrayed his fear of her being disappointed or annoyed at it, but she was actually happy for him. He already had tried to be in a relationship with a woman that wasn’t her mother, after their divorce, but it had been almost ten years ago and at the time she felt it like a betrayal to her mother, that she used to idolize, and he had called it quits after some time anyway. This round, instead, it seemed quite the serious thing, so he said. She truly hoped it was. He deserved it.

Anyway, they were approaching Good Friday by now, and she and Sirius still didn’t hang out together anymore. It had been almost a week. And in two days she would have been on a train towards home, away from his sight for two weeks. She didn’t know where they stood, honestly, but she had seen him interacting in a stiff but civil way to his historic friends, so she supposed they had come to terms with Sirius’ actions, and were slowly welcoming him back among them.

She was ruefully brooding over those thoughts over her bowl of milk at breakfast, sorrounded by a quiet background noise – mostly Phoebe soft snoring on Ava’s shoulder, Sylvie’s whispering something to some guy beside her, a couple french kissing some seats ahead. Nothing different from usually. Nothing, but a letter that a random owl delivered her, making it fall on her head.

“You always get the clumsiest owls, Kit” Marine laughed beside her. Kit chuckled.

“Just my luck” she joked, before focusing on the paper in her hand. It was a letter from her mother. That was strange, since she had received one just two days before where she asked whether she preferred to stay at her house or her fathers’ during the holidays. She didn’t expect a reply.

And later, how hard she desidered she never got _that_ reply.

_Liane is not with us anymore…There was an attack… In Diagon Alley… The baby didn’t make it… Please come home._

The letter was actually quite longer than that, but she couldn’t make out the useless information her mother her given her, her mind was buzzing and she sensed an irregular thump thump thump in her mind and wrist and heart. Dead. Liane was dead. Her sister was no longer. Kit felt the bile up her throat, her eyes were blurred, the noise around her became from comfortable to unsufferable.

“Kit?”

Dead. Her Ani – she used to call her that all the time when she was five years old, had left the world for good. Her nephew never saw the light. Both gone. Forever. Kit tried to get up, but her mind was elsewhere, thoughts raising and fighting and crying for attention.

She accidentally poured over the table her bowl of milk, spilling it all on the table.

“What the hell?” someone said sounding quite angry. But she couldn’t care less.

“Kit?” someone called around her. She shook her head, scrunching the letter between her hands, leaving it on the table. She had to throw up. She had to leave. Too many people. Suffocating. She was suffocating.

“Oh my God. Kit? Kit, come back here! Kit!”

Ten minutes later she was near by the Black lake, throwing up her breakfast on the soft meadowes. Her throat was in flames, but the pain helped her. A little distraction. No one would ever call her “Kit-kat” anymore. No one would ever send her beautiful and long letters at the beginning of every month anymore. But the more she repeated this to herself, the more she thought how hard it was to believe. Her sister had always been healthy. Why, why, why it happened? Why to her? The loveliest woman she’d ever met? The kindest? The brightest? Why?

“Kitty” a voice called behind her. She didn’t need to turn to know who it was. There was just one person who called her like that. She didn’t want him there. Not in that moment. She wanted Liane and Liane only.

“No” she shook her head with a violence she didn’t know she had, heard the unpleasant cracking of the bones in her neck. The pain was helping again. Good.

“Kitty, Sylvie made me read the letter” Sirius said, his voice soft and lovely, sounded like he was talking from another whole planet. But she didn’t want it. Nothing could ever be lovely again in the world she was in.

“Please, leave” she screamed, burning her throat. Pain. Pain. Pain.

“I can’t”

Kit sobbed unevenly, her cry turned in an heavy hiccupping. She heard Sirius move around her, grazing lightly her right arm. She winced, but let him touch her. The boy knelt beside her, enveloping her shoulders with both his hands. Kit struggled in his hold, gasping for air.

“Please, Sirius. Leave” she cried, smacking her palms on his chest. He had always been so strong.

“We’re here, Kit. We’re” he murmured to her, his lips touched lightly her ear. She relaxed slightly at his words. He kept whispering with a gentle tone, though she couldn’t actually catch all of his words. He kept telling her _I’m here, we’re here_. Her arms slacked against his body, head falling in the crook of his collarbone. They were there. _We’re alive,_ he meant. _You’re alive._

“You’re fine, love. You’re fine” he kept telling her, pressing feather kisses on her forehead. She abandoned herself on him, crying quietly on his shirt. Sirius’ fingers caressed the nape of her neck, whispering sweet nothings to calm her.

She focused instead on the rapid beating of his heart. She did that whenever they slept together. It made her think almost lucidly. _Du-dum. Du-dum. Du-dum. You’re alive. Du-dum. I’m here. Du-dum. You’re fine. Du-dum._ Yeah, almost.

She went home that same evening. Her house felt like a prison that night. Her mother was a crying mess. Her father too. Ben as well. And Kit didn’t know what to do, not in the slightest. Liane would have known what to do. She always had.

They updated her on the circumstances of the death. There had been a terroristic attack in Diagon Alley, lead by some fucking creeps that went by the name of Death Eaters. Apparently it was a group of people keen on purity of blood and all that shit. They had even a leader, who called himself _Voldemort._ It was the first time she heard that name, and the sound alone made her shiver. They had picked on her sister too because she was an Half-Blood. According to what she was told, she wasn’t even the main target, but they found she was there, wrong time and wrong moment, and thought that an Half-Blood less was always good. It wasn’t the first time something like that happened. She had read of attacks against entire families of Muggles in the papers. And felt bad, because she had never gave it an actual thought before the moment she knew how her sister died. She didn’t think she’d ever felt so angry before in her life. Never, not even once.

The days spent with her parents and brother-in-law were a blur in her mind. She recalled so much fighting and screaming and moaning her head hurt just thinking about it. She didn’t remember quite well the funeral. She had gulped five glasses of his father’s gin and followed her parents and Ben with mind hazy and her lips trembling for the cold and the stress and the nostalgia, oh, God, how she missed her. Ben was supposed to give a speech, but he wasn’t in the right state of mind. Nobody was, but everybody seemed to forget he had lost his wife and son in a night. He had hoped in a bright future with his young partner, raising an healthy and happy child with her. And maybe have more children, go on a road trip, grow old with her, or maybe divorce her at some point. The day before, in the privacy of the nursery they had built for the baby, he said to her that he had imagined everything in his life, but that, oh, _that_ was something he would have never thought about. Our lives are never completely ours, he had finished with an heavy sigh, and left her in the nursery, staring intensely the wall.

They had organised the funeral in a church. She wasn’t sure Liane would have liked that. After the sermon the priest asked if there was anybody that would have liked to speak in Liane’s honour. Seen Ben’s condition, she had gotten up slowly, feeling an hundred eyes on her back while she went to the pulpit. She had worn a sober and quite large dress, but in front of those people, which most of them were strangers to her eyes, she felt naked.

“I… I don’t know how to talk about Liane. It’s hard to. Who met her knew she was one of a kind. And I’m not saying that just because she’s not here anymore. If she was here I would keep telling her. Liane was bright. So much more than me or our parents. We always joked about that, said she was adopted. But yeah, the brightest person I’ve ever known in my short life. When… when our parents divorced I was just eight, but she was already seventeen. And she was so much mature than I, at the same age, am now. And the help and support and love she gave me during that difficult time and in my whole life will be cherished until I die too. I guess I’m being romantic, but how can you not be in cases like this? I expected to come home and find her giddy with happiness and excitement, and then I come home and find I’ll never get to see her again. And I guess I should cry and say “That’s life”, but it wasn’t life. It was a group of fucking maniacs. And I know I should think just of her memory and of my grief, but I’m so fucking angry at them. Liane deserved so much better than this. So, so much. I wish I was the one who died”

Her father’s gin had made her loose and bolder, because in her right mind she would have never, never mention her parents’ divorce, nor she would have curse in a damn church. She felt the tears she had fought until then riversing themselves on her cheeks. Her speech had upset the whole room, people moved in an umcomfortable way on the wood benches. She excused herself.

At the end of the service, she saw something she truly didn’t expect. Kit thought at first it was just the alcohol doing his job, but Sylvie and Sirius were actually there, body and flesh and bones, embarassed frowns on their pale and tired faces, in the last seats of the room. She briefly wondered who had told them to wear Muggle formal clothes, since funerals in the Wizarding World were held quite differently. So she heard, at least. They both looked so out of place there, with their noble features, the beauty of their gestures, the Pureblood elegance they both had since childhood and she had always envied. She hugged them both at the same time, holding onto them for dear life, and felt crowds of people pass over them without a second thought. Their arms enveloped her body tenderly in a warm embrace. She abandoned herself, since it was the first time someone bothered to console her. Her parents were too wrapped in their own grief. But she didn’t blame them at all. There was something disturbing about their behaviour, she felt left out most of the time. But now, _now_ she felt safe. At last.

Eventually they came to her house to the wake in Liane’s honour an hour later. Her living room was packed with relatives from both sides, old friends, recent colleagues. There was no space for her. She ended up smoking a shared joint in the backyard with her friends, seated on the stairs in religious silence, staring at the smoke spreading through the air.

“How did you get here?” she asked eventually, hugging her knees with her arms.

“We took the bus. And how I wish we didn’t” Sylvie said with a hint of a smile.

“God, can you stop about that for a fucking minute” Sirius sighed, covering his face with resignation. Kit almost smiled at their bantering.

“I swear, Kit, he was shitting himself at every bump” she continued.

“I’m not used to Muggle transport!” he defended himself scoffing like he felt actually outraged.

Kit snorted, arms crossed on her knees to hide a small smile. It didn’t actually reach her eyes, but it was her first smile since her last morning at Hogwarts.

“Thank you, though. I’m sorry you had to witness my ridicolous speech. I had a bit to drink” she murmured in embarassment.

“Didn’t seem that ridicolous to me” Sylvie observed quietly.

“Intense, sure. I don’t know about ridicolous” intervened Sirius earnestly.

She looked them both square in the face, tears already coming up to her eyes. She was a crying mess, too. They watched her with a worried frown on their faces, but she shook quickly her head.

“I just… I’m so glad you two are here. Truly”

Being back at school wasn’t exactly easy. She had schoolmates all over her, offering a shoulder to cry on, a condolence, an inappropriate question about her sister’s death. Kit ignored most of them, choosing her own company for some time. She liked to be on her own. It was the only time she could replay her memories and skim around them until exhaustion. She and Sirius spoke again on a regular basis. Sort of. They weren’t sleeping together, nor hanging out like they used to do before Sirius’ fight with his friends. That seemed so long ago to her, even if it happened just a little more than a month earlier. Days were going by in a blur, leaving her dazed and tired. She was returning to life slowly, looking the environment around her almost as if she was scared by it. She thought she had became numb to everything. Grief, joy, even when she got to pass without a single mistake her Apparition test she didn’t feel much, not even a glint of satisfaction for her hard work. But that didn’ last long.

At the beginning of May there had been an attack against her roommate Marine. She had been found in an unconscious state, her clothes scarded and covered in blood. No one could find out who it had been. Marine herself didn’t remember. Why they did pick up on her, it was quite clear to everybody’s eyes. Marine was a Muggle-Born _and_ a lesbian. She was the perfect catch. Kit couldn’t find peace in her mind. The knowledge that they weren’t safe anymore, not even in Hogwarts, terrorized her. But not of her well-being. Of that, she didn’t care much. But after Liane, being forced to look at Marine laying in that hospital bed like that destroyed her. She had never put up fights with anyone in her life. Too kind, too condescending, too mild to stand in a fight. But then, Avery from Slytherin made a sly and disgusting comment on her sister’s death while she was passing him by, in front of everyone in the Great Hall and she couldn’t avoid punching him square in the face. The room fell almost completely silent, except for Avery’s gasps of surprise and disgust.

“You fucking cunt” he yelled, getting up right away. He tugged on her hair rudely, making her yelp in pain.

Some teacher screamed to stop immediately. There was a crowd slowly forming around them, while teachers tried to overcome them unsuccessfully. If there was something Hogwarts’ students loved other than Quidditch and Butterbeer was a good fight unraveling right in front of their eyes.

“Fuck you, Avery” she grunted, pushing him off of her body.

“You think that just because you have a dead sister and a friend who’s almost in the grave you are entitled to everything” he said with haughtiness. She winced at his statement, but tried to hide it. She was sure he would have noticed her slip, but apparently he was really _that_ stupid.

“Gee, Avery, I didn’t think you could articulate such long periods! I’m impressed” she almost grinned at his furious face.

“Yeah, I may not be a fucking literate but at least I’m not a fucking fat mudblood queer” he spit on her shoes, his voice full of disgust and superiority. She wished he didn’t call her fat. She almost felt worse about that than his racist and homophobic statement. She had no issue in declaring herself an Half-Blood. She was proud of her family, even if they didn’t actually recognize her presence lately. And she had never felt her bisexuality to be a problem. People joked about it, yes, and in the beginning it hurt a lot, but she had learnt to reason with her own mind. It was that _fat,_ spit with so much abhorrence, that triggered her.

“All those things you say with such disdain, I’m proud to be them. Can you say the same on being a Death Eater? Do you think no one hears your bragging about it? Do you feel _good_ about it? Do you like being a fucking criminal?” she hissed, making a step forward towards him.

That was the final straw. He slapped her hard on her cheek, his heavy rings making contact with her face. Her head spun to the left. Her tongue tasted blood on her teeth. She retained her tears, even if the pain on her cheekbone and the humiliation were heavy on her. He wouldn’t have that satisfaction. Some of his friends had gotten up, rounding behind him like they were all planning to attack her.

“Mr Avery!” McGonagall screamed in horror, trying to separate them.

“You have nothing more to say? It’s true when they say you bitches just need an heavy hand to shut up”

She would have jumped on him straight away, but she felt two strong hands on her stomach, tugging her from Avery’s face. The fingers pressed almost painfully on her hips, making her stay in their hold. She recognized Sirius’ scent, his hair grazed the side of her cheek.

“Let me go, Sirius” she gasped, strugging for release.

“Yeah, let your whore go, Black”

Kit turned over her shoulder to see an absolutely fuming Sirius, whose eyes seemed to be like iron that night. He looked pretty pissed, too.

“It’s funny, really how you call her a whore, when _I_ know for sure _you_ ’re whoring yourself out for your fucking Dark Lord”

The room fell silent. Kit saw Avery start at Sirius’ words. It was true then.

“Enough of this. All of you” McGonagall exhaled, followed right away by the Heads of the other Houses and Dumbledore himself.

“I’m very disappointed in your behaviour” Dumbledore stated, looking slightly sad under his half-moon glasses.

“She punched me” Avery whined, trying to make himself look the good guy in that whole situation. As if.

“Yeah, because you made a joke on my sister. My _dead_ sister”

“That is unaccettable. We shall take action on this. You assaulted each other!” McGonagall stated looking more surprised Kit had ever seen her.

“Be my guest, professor”

“There’s no need to be rude, Miss Fellowes” professor Sprite, head of her House, piped in.

“I’m not rude. I’m honest. I punched him because he said something very offensive. And he tugged on my hair, insulted me again and punched me too. I guess we’re even. You can’t think some detention will change a deranged nature like his. That’s being naive” she concluded, in the calmest tone she could find in herself.

“We shall see the best solution for you two, Miss Fellowes” McGonagall answered seriously. She looked at her with skepticism, but said nothing more.

“And for Mr Black, too” Slughorn intervened, to everyone’s surprise.

“He did nothing” Kit complained, looking at McGonagall.

“He made some serious allegations towards a student, Miss Fellowes. I wouldn’t call it _nothing_ ” he remarked.

“I wouldn’t call them allegations, professor” he stated, quite bored.

“Do you have proofs?”

“I don’t think that’s my job to care about what Avery’s up to here. I thought it was yours, _professor_ ”

“Mr Black! Enough!” McGonagall shrieked. The tension was so thick Kit feared something would blow up in any minute now. Dumbledore, unphazed as always, smiled tightly to all of them.

“Why don’t we discuss about this another day? Mr Avery, I suggest you to go to the Hospital Wing before you lose all the blood in your body. As in for Miss Fellowes, Mr Black could escort you to your Common Room. Will you, Mr Black?”

Sirius wasn’t actually going to escort her to the Hufflepuff Common Room. She had met Sylvie’s look in the crowd and motioned to Sirius. Sylvie had nodded quickly and gave her a thumbs up before returning to her roommates.

His room was empty and gloomy, since his friends were still down eating dinner. It was the first time they were alone in more than a month, and she was trying not to feel too uneasy about it.

“I think there’s some stuff for medications in the bathroom. We use it sometimes after the full moons. Wait me here?” he asked quietly. Kit nodded, sitting on the edge of his bed, and watched him leave. She laid on the bed, closing her eyes for a brief moment, allowing her thoughts out. She felt so tired. Emotionally and physically. Almost like energy was being drained from her body.

“I found some… Are you okay?” Sirius asked, starting her.

She opened her eyes, staring to the ceiling she had become so accustomed to.

“I am. Sorry” she sat up with crossed legs, and Sirius did the same beside her.

“I found some Dittany. Show me your cheek” he said gently. Normally he would have taken kindly her chin between his hands, but Kit knew he was restraining himself. Why exactly, she wasn’t sure.

She turned her face to him reluctantly.

“Does it hurt?” he murmured.

“It’s sufferable. He doesn’t have an heavy hand” she lied. She didn’t want him to go after Avery. Avery was her problem and she would have to deal with it.

“Seemed heavy to me. Can I?” he gestured at a clean cloth and the Dittany in his hand. Kit nodded again, and he approached her slowly, touching her face in the most delicate way he’d ever touched her.

She flinched to the coldness of the Dittany hitting her burning skin. His hands grazed her head with a feather touch, his thumbs so familiar to her face she just wished to lean her face in his hand.

“Thank you. For this, I mean. And for what you did before” she whispered, looking at her joint hands in her lap.

“I did nothing”

“You prevented me from scarring Avery’s face” she almost laughed, feeling immediately silly. He looked rather sad.

“He would have deserved it” he answered laconically.

“Yeah”

He was so close to her, even if it wasn’t for the reason she wished. And she liked it, even if her cheek was hurting like crazy and she was trying not to cry again. There was something so private, so entirely theirs in what they were doing. It felt more intimate then everything they’d ever done together. And they had done quite some stuff since November.

Sirius kept running the cloth down her cheek in ripetitive e relaxing gestures, remaining silent the whole time. He truly seemed off that night. She gathered some courage – the very little bit she had left after bitching on Avery in front of the whole school, and touched his hand lightly. He dropped his eyes on her fingers on his knuckles.

“Are _you_ okay?” she asked.

“Mh-mh” he murmured absentedmindly, turning to press the cloth on her temple.

“You can tell me. If you feel like it, that is” she tried, uncertainty all over her voice.

Sirius sighed lightly.

“You have a lot going on” he shook his head, focusing his attention on her jaw, which was the part that hurt the most. Kit clenched her teeth, but urged him to go on nonetheless.

“Doesn’t matter. I’d like to know about _your_ lot going on. We… we didn’t talk for ages” she mumbled, with a pang of guilt. Sirius didn’t aknowledge her statement, nodding briefly.

“Yeah” was all he said.

“I know it’s my fault, Sirius”

“It’s not. At all”

“What happened, then?” she insisted, caressing lightly the back of his hand.

“I know about Avery because my brother told me. He’s one of them, too”

Kit fell silent. Surely she didn’t expect that. Like, at all. What was she supposed to say? Fucking hell.

She knew his relationship with Regulus was one of the things it plagued him the most. Sometimes, when he was in the right mood, he would tell her of his childhood, of the horrible things his parents did to him, of his memories of Regulus before they parted ways. It was very clear he still loved him to pieces, regardless of his beliefs.

“And I guess I’m angry about it. I don’t know”

“You have every right to be”

“I should have done more for him”

“You shouldn’t give up like this. This is not who you are” she murmured, eyes closed while he pressed the cloth on her chin.

“I’m just… I’m tired, Kit. Do you remember when you said you wished us to be a normal couple?”

She nodded tightly.

“I wish we were. I wish I was a normal person”

“Normality is very flexible concept. I wouldn’t rely on it too much” she observed quietly.

“You have no idea how I missed you saying this kind of shit” Sirius said lightly, laying the wet cloth on the bed. She smiled almost timidly at his words.

“And I you. Very much indeed” Kit admitted, looking up at him. His familiar face was so close to hers she could feel his breath on her cheek.

“Kitty?”

“Mh?”

“I’d like to kiss you”

“Yeah” she nodded, inclining her head to align his mouth with hers. Kit heard Sirius almost growl on her lips, cradling her unharmed cheek in his hand and caressing it like he always had. She sighed in relief, absorbing everything he gave her, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, pressing herself against his body. The boy slid his hands down her body, holding her thighs naked under her skirt. She had missed so much his fingers pressing thightly in her legs, his weight against her, his cute habit of leaving sloppy kisses on her whole face, using extra care on the other side of her cheek. Kit straddled his lap, her knees down to each of Sirius’ legs, and holded on his shoulders for leverage, grazing his hard dick covered in jeans against her panties, eliciting in them both loud groans.

“I can’t believe you’re here” he mumbled on her skin, making her dizzy with contentment. She hadn’t felt like that in some time.

She kissed him on both his cheeks, his forehead, the right and elegant bridge of the nose, moving forward to his neck and then his throat and probably she would have gone way further if it weren’t for his pals choosing to enter the room right in that moment.

“Pads, what are you… Oh, fuck!” James exclaimed, making them both jump out in fear.

“Fucking hell” she moaned, plopping off from Sirius’ lap and sitting in front of him in order to cover his evident hard-on, which was now nudging her low back. God, she wished they never came back from dinner.

“So, well… How are you doing, Kit?” Remus asked, trying to be casual about it, even if he was a bit red in the face.

“Not bad. You guys?”

“We good. You were awesome with Avery, earlier. I’ve never seen him so knackered!” James said, looking really admired by her actions, sitting on the stool where Sirius left his school robes like he was ready to start a proper conversation.

“Yeah, well. He didn’t go lightly on me either, so” she joked, but the other guys fell silent.

“Are you okay now?” Peter asked timidly.

“Yeah, Sirius cured me with his exceptional nursing skills” Kit said with irony, making James and Peter snicker.

“He did, uh?”

“You ought to stop with those innuendos, you’re getting lame” she rolled her eyes at James’ antics, but a small smile stayed on her lips.

Eventually she remained with him for the night. He was clearly quite happy to have her again in his bed, wearing a shirt of his like she used to do months prior, clinging on his body with her arms and legs like koalas did to the trees. Sirius had closed the curtains and casted a _Muffliato_ to give them a semblance of privacy, so their faces were now enveloped in a relaxing darkness.

“Where did you learn that _Muffle_ thing?” she asked out of curiosity.

“I think James would have my head on a plate if I revelead this, but we heard Snape casting it one time, and we tried out too. Turns out it’s quite useful”

“Oh. That’s actually cool. Minus the part about Snape”

Sirius laughed at that.

They had sex for the first time in months that night. Again, they didn’t actually plan to do it. They were laying next to each other, talking on something hilarious and ridicolous James had done during Easter break – she couldn’t really recall what, and his hand had grazed by mistake her breast. And he was ready to apologize and reassure her they didn’t have to do anything, that it was just a mistake. But Kit had taken his hand and pressed it against her breast still covered by warm cotton. Sirius had gulped soundly, making her snort in laughter.

“You always manage to fuck with me, Kit” he complained in his arm, looking at her in awe.

“Will you fuck _me_ yet or not?” she had asked abruptly, still suffering from their interruption from before.

His eyes looked like a pool of liquid silver, filled with excitement and glee and something that was entirely Sirius.

He fingered her first. Quick and swiftly just like she loved. And then his thumbs, still sticky and wet with her juices, were against her mouth while he asked her to open them for him. And she had complied, sucking off his fingers one by one, tasting the strange and salty flavor of her body, making his dick harder against her stomach. Then she had pushed him off her, sitting on his dick and palming him through the jeans. He was whimpering from need, and she had gotten down between his knees and taken him in her mouth. She wasn’t always up for it, but everytime she felt like it she was rewarded with the most beautiful sounds a man could have ever done. Even if didn’t manage to take him all in her mouth, even if she gagged most of the time while doing it. And she actually liked when he trusted his hips against her lips, tugging lightly on her hair around her face. He always apologized, and she always asked him to do it again until he was comfortable with it, until he was fucking her mouth, gasping everytime she moaned around his dick. And then, though she didn’t know exactly how it happened, he was eating her out from behind, her backside up in the air as he lapped at her juices, cursing under his breath when she let out her breathy moans, asking him for more, more and more. He had taken both her breasts in his hands, palming them entirely through the bra she still had on, tugging on it until it was discarded on her ribcage. She complained, though laughing, he had ruined it, but when his tongue ran flat on her clit she shuddered and her legs started to give up, spreading them wider until she was almost crying in pleasure.

Neither of them lasted long. She had expected it. When she sank on him, straddled again on his legs, Sirius let out a loud whine, almost as loud as her cry. She truly hoped the _Muffliato_ was an effective charm, because neither of them had ever been good to silence themselves. It didn’t help he had his face between her breasts (she had actually managed to be totally naked in his presence after a few months together), sucking and licking and biting all over her nipples making her yelp both in pain and pleasure, twirling them in his hands so hard she had to lean on the wall behind her to steady herself. Kit rode him slowly, enjoying his skin under hers after so much time.

(In the first days following their falling out – if she could call it like that, she had found that she missed deeply his wit, his sharp mind, his confidence, but God knew if she missed having sex with him. They had been quite regular, going at it quite a handful of times during every week – they were, after all, hormonal teenagers, and every night, when she laid in bed she found herself thinking about him. And his hands. And his lips. And, oh, that damn tongue. Every time, the morning after, she had woken with her underwear wet.)

And then they were on their sides and he was behind her again, pounding so quickly in her folds he could hear the smacking of his legs against the back of hers, holding on her leg wrapped on one of his hard enough to leave her a sign the morning after. They usually weren’t so rough and aggressive and careless, but _God, how much she missed him._

“Are you… God, are you close?” he gasped in her ear, licking the shell of it.

“Just a little bit. Please… Just… Ah” she moaned, when his fingertips opened her folds, spreading her legs wide on himself. She felt like in one of her dreams.

“You’re so warm, Kitty. So lovely” he whispered in her ear, while pressing his whole palm on her core.

She whimpered violently against his hand, rocking on it shamelessly, pressing one hand to his back to make him push in her even harder than before. She felt so, so fucking close. And he was too, judging from his moanings on her neck.

“Kitty…” he warned her with cracking voice, flicking her clit so quickly she felt herself panting in an indecent way.

“Ah, yeah. God, I… Yeah, like that” she cried like she had never done before, feeling a bit ashamed as she pressed her backside on his dick, pressing her folds in his hand, clamping her fingers on his hair as she came. He did too, after two, three, four messy and hard thrusts that left her still lustful, spilling himself between her legs. They breathed hard, limbs sweaty and entangled messily. Kit started running her hand on Sirius’ hair, threading her fingers in his curls lightly, listening to his breath slow gradually.

She felt at peace, finally. But their comfortable silence was interrupted by the loudest sneeze she’d ever heard.

“God, James, could you take this somewhere else? Bloody damn stags” they heard Remus complain in an annoyed tone.

“It’s not my fault I have allergy! Those fucking flowers! Gosh” he said, and sneezed again.

Kit met Sirius’ eyes, gleaming with satisfaction and mirth. And they both started laughing.


	5. Don't let me be misunderstood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter.
> 
> i feel awful, truly. i wanted to post a new chapter in the middle of december but i wanted to make just one more chapter that squeezed all the events until october 31th 1981, but it was so so so long i couldn't really do that. and so i've wasted a whole month for nothing, since this chapter is kind of ready since december. im really sorry, guys. hope you like it <3 happy belated festivities!

_One year later (June 1978)_

They graduated. It was the worst and the best day of their lives.

“Hiya, you” Kit said when she finally found Sirius down the Black lake. The farewell party had been a blast, going strong for hours. The teachers had joined for a quick goodbye, even Dumbledore himself had showed up for a bit. It had been a graceful night, even if her parents didn’t show up during the ceremony. She understood that, regardless of her bitter feelings towards them. It would have brought too many sweetbitter memories of Liane's graduation, she was sure.

(Ben had come, though. That she didn’t expect. His stay was quite short, but knowing she still had some family to rely on was reassuring, in a way. But it was so strange to look at him without her sister beside him. The both of them had been inseparable.

“I’m proud of what you are doing. Truly, Katherine” he had said in an earnest tone. He never called her Kit, even if she had asked him many times since they first met.

“Yeah. I only graduated. No biggie” she had dismissed him.

“It is a big deal. I know it hasn’t been easy for you” he had hinted. Kit had lowered her head, feeling ashamed.

“Yeah. But I had help” she had reassured him, biting her lips nervously.

“I’m glad of that. Come visit once you’re settled, yeah? You can bring that rocker boyfriend of yours if you like” he had nodded to Sirius, who was seated in a table in the corner talking with James’ parents.

“He’s not…” she began, but Ben’s scoff had cut her off.

“Whatever. We’ll come” she said.

“Good. I must be off now. But… she would have been as proud as I am now. Remember it, Katherine”)

“Hi, Kitty. Weren’t you dancing with Lily and Sylvie?” Sirius asked, making room for her beside him. She crawled under his arm – it was quite the chilly night, and he let her put her head on his shoulder.

“I was, then I noticed you were gone. Something the matter?” she asked, while he threaded his fingers in her hair, twirling it delicately.

“I’m good. Just feeling sentimental tonight” he murmured, giving her a small smile when she kissed softly his cheek.

“I know. But there’s something else. You’ve been broody since James’ parents left” she said quietly.

“I don’t want to spoil the party. You deserve some fun, too” Sirius shrugged.

“You don’t spoil anything”

He sighed.

“I was just thinking that this has been my home. Everytime I needed it. And now… well, I honestly don’t know where I’m heading to. And I guess I’ll miss it. Having a place to call home” he rambled in a slightly slurry tone due to the alcohol he had drank before, pressing his lips tightly together. Kit stayed quiet, playing with her fingers in her lap. She was so thrown in her own grieving, costantly thinking of her parents, of everything she had lost that she didn’t stop to think that Sirius’ parents didn’t show up either that morning. Neither did Regulus. And regardless of his “tough” act she knew he was disappointed. She had seen the longing look in his eyes when James’ parents had given him both a big bear hug, praising him for his high grades, repeating him how proud they were of him.

She had been focusing so much on her pain and her struggles and her own little world she had almost forgotten that Sirius had issues of his own. Kit surely understood his feelings. She was about to go back to two people – her freaking parents, that didn’t aknowledge her most of the time, leaving a place that had been a rock for her. She didn’t know how, but Hogwarts had always managed to be there for her, too. And hell, they’d been there for seven years. They had been children there, small shoulders and big dreams, and now they were going to be _adults –_ that word still freaked her out.

“I could be your home” she whispered quietly, still enveloped in his warm arms. He moved around her, trying to get a hold of her face. His eyes were red and shiny.

“What?” he asked, slowly.

“I could be your home. I know I’m no Hogwarts, no fancy halls and stylish towers but… Yeah, I could. If you’d like me to” she repeated, unsure of her words. Maybe she had scared him. They’d been talking about their future outside Hogwarts, and they’d agreed on keeping it a non-labeled thing. Lily said it was rubbish because they were basically a couple like every other one, that acted like a proper couple and did thing like other couples did. But honestly they didn’t quite mind. They were exclusive, this she knew. But keeping it like that, like they always had, made her feel safer.

“You’re my favorite person in the world right now” he murmured, circling her face with both his hands. She felt the cold of his rings against her cheekbones, a slight heat was overcoming her.

“Remus will be crossed" she joked, biting the inside of her cheek slightly. Sirius pressed his lips to her jaw, and she closed her eyes.

"Let's not tell him, then" he answered with a conspiratory tone, smiling so widely that Kit could feel his lips curving on her cheek. 

_Six months later (December 1978)_

“Come on, Moony, I’m curious!” Sirius complained like a child, making James and Kit snicker soundly.

“I’m not gonna tell you” Remus shook his head quite seriously, avoiding Sirius’ hands that were trying to keep him in place.

“But I _need_ to know! I’m dying here, mate!”

“You’re so dramatic” Lily scoffed with a little smile on her face.

“Duh, that’s rich from you, Evans. _Please,_ Remus, I beg you” he continued on, joining his hands in prayer.

“Nope” Remus said, popping on the “p”. Sirius pouted, disappointed. Kit thought he was both ridiculous and adorable.

“You’ll never get a secret from me again, mate” he said with fake disdain, crossing his arms.

“Still, I’m not telling you what’s your gift from me” Remus concluded in a firm tone.

Sirius sighed theatrically, then walked over Kit, who was sitting on the couch next to Peter and James.

“Told you” she shrugged.

“Yeah, yeah, go on and slam it in my face. I have no feelings at all” Sirius complained, nodding to her to sit on his legs. Kit hopped on his waist, resting her cheek on his warm sweater. Everything in the room was warm. The creaking fire next to them, the bright and welcoming lights of the Christmas tree Sirius and Remus had insisted to put in a corner of their living room, the loud chatting made by James and Peter, the reserved, quieter voices of Remus and Lily that were talking about Lily’s newest mission for the Order.

“Uh, uh, kids, I don’t want to hear about that tonight!” James reprehended them in a teacher-like voice.

They had all joined the Order of the Phoenix right after their graduation, an organisation that was the strongest opposition that Voldemort and his followers had. Dumbledore had founded it some years prior, and some people Kit already knew – former schoolmates, teachers, parents of some of her friends, even her brother in law Ben, were fighting to stop Voldemort’s plans. Whatever plans he had, that was. They were currently fumbling in the dark.

(And it was scary, not knowing what he had in his mind. Sometimes she asked herself if joining the Order had been the right choice. Was she brave enough? Cunning enough? Strong enough to endure all those horrors? Hardened enough to witness her friends coming back from missions all scarred and angry and disappointed and delirious? She wasn’t sure of that. But like James said, none of that tonight. It was Christmas, after all.)

“Sorry, _daddy_ ” Remus snorted, making a face to James.

“What about tonight?” Peter intervened, flicking his fingers in front of James’, who was quite busy sticking his tongue out to his friend.

“Yeah, Kitty, what about tonight?” Sirius whispered on her cheek, making her smile slightly.

“I thought we were heading to London. Kit said her friends would be there” Lily said casually, piling her feet on Remus’ legs.

“Not the disco songs again” Remus complained with a loud sigh.

“I like disco songs” Peter said, confusion visible all over his face, and Lily nodded eagerly.

“That’s because you’re clearly tasteless, Wormy, my friend” James snapped back.

Sirius was still looking at her in someway she couldn’t describe, even if they’d been together for what was like, God, more than a year. Time was flying, truly.

(She remembered something Lily said some months before, in the first days of their blooming friendship.

_They’d always been comfortable in each other’s presence, but since James had become Lily’s boyfriend she had started hanging out with them more frequently, causing to the two of them to spend way more time together. She had found that Lily was a fervent Beatles’ fan, quite disliked ABBA – that, Kit once said in answer, is impossible – and was a truly sweet person when one knew her better. Kit liked she could be fierce and feisty and incredibly smart and at the same time be one of the kindest people she had ever talked to. In a way, Lily remembered her of Liane._

Lily had said something like: “He looks at you like he wants to eat you”

Kit had laughed at that heartily, smiling widely at Lily’s confused face.

“Probably he actually wants to”

Lily’s confusion had turned in an expression of realization, cheeks red resembling the shade of her hair.

“Uhm. Yeah, got it” she had answered awkwardly, before Kit started to laugh again.)

“What about it?” she murmured back, feeling his hand caress tenderly her back.

“Will you wear that dress I really like?” he asked, leaning his head on her shoulder. She turned her head to him, talking so quietly she thought he could barely hear her.

“Will you take it off from me when we get back?” she asked, keeping her mouth at less than an inch from his ear, smiling with satisfaction when she felt his breath quicken slightly.

“Sure thing, lovely. Now, will you tell me what exactly is Remus’ present for me?” he said, kissing the tip of her nose.

“Sirius!” Remus whined, making everyone laugh again.

_March 1979_

Remus’ nineteenth birthday was in a few days, but there was no trace of him. Dumbledore had sent him out on mission, but everything had been top secret to everyone except Remus himself. Kit suspected it had something to do with the werewolves community set in England, since Remus had briefly spoken about it sometime before, but couldn’t be sure. For all they knew, he could easily be in the other side of the world. He had left at the beginning of February, reassuring everybody he would be back by the end of the month. But in the meantime, they had approached the fifth day of March, and no one knew nothing about him. Everyone was in a foul mood. She had temporarily left her parents’ house and stayed at Sirius’ to keep him company.

He, out of everybody, was a mess.

(He and Remus had been living together since school ended, in a little flat in the outskirts of London they had fallen in love with the first time they’d seen it.

Well, Sirius did. Remus still felt heavily guilty about Sirius’ insistence on paying for the house. He had inherited some gold from his estranged uncle, who had died some months before school ended for good, and now he was actually quite rich. Not the kind of rich that would have last forever, but he was definitely settled for some time.

“I understand what you’re feeling, Remi” she told him, just after they moved in. She had taken on calling him like that since a night of drunk debauchery that led everyone to reveal some secret of sorts. Out of secrets, Remus had said he used to present himself like that when he was about six years old, and she liked it so much she stuck with that.

“I just… I don’t know, Kit. I shouldn’t rely on anyone. It’s not right”

“Sirius is not anyone, Remus. He’s your friend”

“I don’t want to be a bother”

“I know you’re not. Especially not to him”

“I don’t want him to regret this”

“Like hell he will. I think _you_ will be the one regretting it as soon as he’ll start bringing up again the motorbike thing”

“God, can you think? A _motorbike_ in the middle of the living room? Where does he think we are, in a _Easyriders_ cover?”)

Kit usually woke up before Sirius. She always tried to be quiet when leaving the room, because most of the nights Sirius couldn’t sleep properly.

_“We’re like his pack. James, Peter and I. And not knowing what’s happened to him… It just crushes us” he had explained quietly one night where he was laying his head on her stomach, hugging her fiercely, as if he feared she might disappear too._

She got ready for work – she was doing a partially paid internship for the Daily Prophet, her mind still hazy with sleep (or, better, the lack of it), prepared some coffee for her and for Sirius, and went back to his room to leave the cup on his nightstand. She knelt beside his head, moving some hair from his forehead.

“I’m going” she whispered, like she had been doing for the past month. Sirius made some incomprehensible sound.

“What?” Kit asked. He mumbled again between himself, then moved the covers beside him to make her some space.

“Stay” he said, beckoning her to him, his voice still thick and hoarse.

“I… fine. Five minutes” she agreed, kicking her boots off and climbing beside him again. He sighed in relief, lips pressing slightly on her collarbone and arms circling her frame against his.

“Five minutes is not enough” he grumbled. She could feel his pout on her skin.

“You should sleep some more” Kit mumbled, slowly massaging his nape. He always relaxed when she did that.

He nodded with eyes closed, his rosy lips were curved in a sort of smile.

 _I love you,_ Kit thought. But didn’t have the heart to say it out loud. Thinking it was scary enough. And anyway, he was drifting again to sleep. He couldn’t hear her anymore.

They celebrated Remus’ birthday in loneliness, curled up on the cold pavement against the fire, drinking to his memory. But then Sirius had corrected himself with a violent shudder.

“He’s not dead. Let’s drink to his return”

He was suffering so much her heart was aching, both for Remus’ absence and Sirius’ pain. She wasn’t prepared for that, not yet.

 _Come back home,_ she had tought before taking another sip of wine, hoping the red liquid could make her forget for a bit of everything they had to deal with. _Tomorrow_ , she tought. _Not tonight. Tomorrow_.

Eventually, Remus came back from wherever-the-hell he had been two weeks after his birthday. He was too weak even to speak properly. He had Apparated – to the current day Kit still had no idea how in the world he had managed to Apparate in that state – in the living room while they were arguing about something she couldn’t even remember in that exact moment, his clothes in rags and covered in blood and sweat and fur and dirt and something else she couldn’t exactly make out. He looked almost dead. But that was it. _Almost._ And immediately they were around him, asking questions he couldn’t answer, whispering _it’s gonna be alright_ to his ear even if he couldn’t hear them, performing every healing charm they could think of, trying to wake him even if his limbs were slack and he looked so fucking thin.

“Kit? Do you hear me?” Sirius asked later, pressing one hand on his forehead.

Both exhausted and close to tears, they’d finished healing all his injuries – which were, like, a lot. Remus was still dirty and his clothes were beginning to stink, but he looked better. Unconscious, sure, but better. They took a seat down to his bed, heads resting on the cotton covers.

“I hear you” she mumbled, looking into the void. She was terrorized.

“Why don’t you go rest? I’ll stay here” he proposed, nudging her lightly. Kit shook her head slowly, and without even noticing she had searched for his hand, keeping his fingers in her palm. Their hands were sweaty and sticky and so damn cold. She sighed heavily.

“I want to be here” the girl insisted, leaning her neck on the sheets.

“I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that” he apologized, bringing her hand in his lap, caressing it with a light touch.

“Don’t ever do it again. I can’t stand it” she just said, looking down to their intertwined fingers.

“I promise. Sorry” he whispered, nudging his chin on her arm. Kit leaned her face towards his, hovering her lips over his, feeling his breath touch her upper lip. She closed her eyes when his mouth came on hers, slow and sweet and soft. It reminded her of the first times they’d kissed, when they still didn’t know each other enough to be comfortable in those moments. She heard him whisper something over her lips, but before she had time to ask him to repeat, they heard a weak _hm-hm_ coming from the high of their heads. He was looking at them with a smug smile on his face, the bastard.

“When you two are finished, can one of you bring me a glass of water? My throat feels like the damn Sahara”

“For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, vor he's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us!” Sirius, James and Kit sang loudly, clinging to each other around Remus, who had been put at the head of the table, clutching his injured arm to his chest and moving his head timidly around the room, a birthday cap on his head.

“We got it, guys, he’s a good guy. Can we eat, now?” Sylvie intervened, prepping her elbows on the table. They – the Marauder minus Remus plus Kit and Lily – had organized a last minute birthday party and Sylvie, who actually was quite closer to Remus than anyone had thought before, had actually showed up with all her typical intolerance for any kind of fuss. But she looked happy, too.

“I actually agree with Sylvie” Remus nodded, his cheeks red with embarassment and heat.

“You truly don’t appreciate us, Remi. It’s our way to say we love you” Kit pouted, her arms slunged around James and Sirius’ waist to hold herself on her feet. They all were a bit drunk. Or drunkish, that is.

“We got the gist, now sit and eat” Lily ordered sternly.

“Yes, momma” Sirius scoffed, ruffing her bright red hair in a playful way. Lily swatted his hand away, a smile on her pink lips, then he turned his attention to Kit. She bit her lip, feeling truly satisfied after a whole month (and even more) of fear, fights and pain. She knew it was temporary, that probably tomorrow something wrong would happen, but right then, right there, she felt good like she hadn’t been in weeks.

“Before we start, I just wanted to say…” Remus started, feeling everybody’s eyes on him. He cleared his throat lightly, then met his friends’ eyes, gleaming with joy.

“… Just… thank you. For this. And for everything”

Somewhere around May, James and Lily announced they were getting married, causing everyone’s jaw to go slack and wide open. Kit swore she heard someone say something like _what in Merlin’s saggy balls!._ Well, that someone could easily be Peter, but that wasn’t the point. Two of her closest friend were going to _marry,_ for fuck’s sake.

“Aren’t you happy?” James asked, almost disappointed in their reaction. Remus offered them their congratulations, saying something similar to _I always expected it_ , and Peter followed soon, with his squeaky voice and a wide smile on his face. But James was still looking to Sirius and Kit.

“I thought you would be happy for us” Lily stated, not trying to conceal her disappointment.

“Of course we are. But…” Sirius started, unsure of his own words.

“There’s a war going on. And you’re like, not even twenty yet” Kit ended. Her voice conveyed quite well her perplexity.

Sirius shook his head, getting up from his seat beside Kit.

“I didn’t mean that. I’m just a bit surprised. But I’m happy for you, guys. Truly” he reassured them, going in for a hug to both James and Lily. Kit didn’t know what to say. She thought it to be ridicolous. People were dying on a daily basis and they thought about _marriage_? But she couldn’t say that. Not without feeling extremely guilty for spoiling their happiness. It was none of her business, what they were up to. And they deserved to be happy, even if happiness seemed like a miracle, an illusion, those days.

“Kit?” Lily asked, looking almost afraid to know her answer. Kit faked a smile.

“Sorry, guys. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just… everything happens so fast lately. But I’m truly happy for you. When’s the date?”

Lily’s joyful squealing while telling her every detail about the reception and the dress and the church and dozens of other things she wasn’t listening to properly, told her that lying, for once, had been the right choice.

Later, back to his flat, in the quiet of the bedroom, Sirius laid next to her wordlessly, farther then he would normally be. Usually he clung on her in the night, squeezing her frame in his arms. He always craved for touch, whether it was a hug or a simple grazing of their fingers. He just liked to be close to her. It relaxed him.

“Are you awake?” Kit murmured, looking for his hand in the dark of the night.

“Mh mh” he answered, letting her fingers caress the skin of his palm.

“What’s wrong?” the girl asked, turning on her side to look at him properly. He was staring at the white ceiling, one arm under his head as a pillow. She nestled her head in the crook of his neck, breathing the scent of his skin. He looked tense.

“Nothing, Kit” Sirius said with a tired note in his voice.

“Are you upset by what I said to James and Lily?” she asked.

“No” he paused, biting his lip “It just… It made me realise that maybe we don’t want the same things”

Full stop. She sat up abruptly, clicking two fingers together to turn on the lamp on her nightstand. He sat up as well, arms crossed on his chest. In that precise moment he looked so different from the man she used to know since they were eleven

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“What do you want from us, Kit?” he asked back, eyes piercing her face in a way that left her astounded.

“I want us to be together. Don’t you want it, too?” she murmured with a hint of frustration in her voice.

“Of course I do. But I… I feel like we’re not on the same page”

“Talk, Sirius”

“I love you, Kitty. Like, very much. And I don’t know if you feel the same, if you plan to stay here or to move back to your parents, if you want this to be something serious… I’m just tired of faking I’m still okay with this whole “cool” thing between us”

She already knew all of that. He had told her his first _i love you_ when he tought she was asleep, in the days Remus went missing. It was hushed and quiet and fast, but she heard. And chose to ignore it. And she felt so bad about it afterwards it still plagued her some nights.

“What are you saying? That it is all my fault?”

“No, but I don’t want that anymore”

Kit felt her lips tremble and had to bite hard it to keep them still. She tasted blood in her mouth.

“You could have told me. I would have understood”

“Would you? Because I feel like you are way too comfortable with our arrangement”

“I don’t deserve this, Sirius. You’re being unfair”

“We have been together for almost two years, we fuck all the time and fucking live together and you don’t even have the guts to realize we’re in a relationship”

She flinched at his harsh tone. Everything he was saying was true. That hurt the most.

“Stop” she said shooking her head. He approached her, pressing his hands on her cheeks.

“What are you scared of?”

“Please, stop” she repeated, pushing him lightly from her body.

“I’m not gonna…”

“I said stop! I don’t understand you! Why are you acting like this?” Kit splurted, exasperated.

“Because I’m sick of this, Kit. Of all of it”

That hurt even more. And made her say something she would have regretted her whole life.

“No. You just want to be able to do everything James does. You couldn’t bear he had a loving family while you had none, and now you can’t bear he’s already happily marrying with perfect Lily while you’re insatisfied of our relationship, while you’re stuck with _me_. There, you wanted me to talk. Do you feel better?” she hissed. Sirius started at her words, hands clenching on the sheets. She could see his eyes become harder and distant and deeply angry. Like he was looking at something disgusting, and not someone he said to love not even five minutes before. She had fucked up. Royally so.

“I’m gonna leave now. And when I come back I don’t want to find you here” he affirmed calmly, getting up quickly. She watched him dress, her mind searched for the right words but couldn’t find it. She was stuck. So disappointed in herself. So afraid of him leaving for good. It was just when he had his hand on the knob that she realized fully he was actually going to go. She rushed to him, stumbling in the sheets, flinching at the cold under her feet. She took his wrist, pressing her body against him.

“Wait. Please, wait… I didn’t… I’m sorry” she murmured, grabbing fists of his shirts in her hands.

“I hate you so much right now” Sirius murmured. She felt so much pain in his voice, leaning his forehead against hers. She shook her head violently, trying to stop the sobs in her throat. He pushed her lightly away from his body, grabbing hastily his leather jacket – _the one she had gifted him on Christmas_ – and left. Kit stared at the closed door, blinking one, two, three, four times before realizing he wouldn’t come back. And it was then that she let herself sink to the pavement, knees hurt from the hard and cold pavement under her body. _You did it again, Kit. Congrats._


	6. Back to normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: i don’t own hp. jkr does. you already know that.  
> ooo, here i go again! i made you wait so so much (not that i have that many followers, lol)! im sorry this took so long, but i ran out of ideas and in general i was a bit busy with school and everything. life, you know. anywayyy, back to business! im sorry there won’t be smut in this, it was actually planned but i thought it wasn’t right to put it in this chapter (and i’m sorry for it, because i had put smut in all the even chapters - totally by chance, mind you - and i wanted to write it in this chapter too. but alas, i’ll gave you lots of it (and lots of fluff) in the next one, mark my words. i hope you’ll like it :)
> 
> ps. let me know what u think of it !!

Two weeks later (June, 1979)

“You’re not listening to me, Sirius. Again”

“Sorry, Lily”

“Are you alright, Pads?”

“Sure thing, Moony. Why d’you ask?”

“I spoke with Kit”

“Don’t want to talk about that”

“You gotta stop, Sirius. This is bad”

“Fuck, Prongs, would you all stop this?”

Sirius Black wasn’t doing very well, if one had to be honest. And everyone had noticed. His friends of course. And James’ parents. And his colleagues in the Order. Even professor McGonagall had stopped him after an Order meeting and had showed concern towards his wellbeing. It was ridicolous, really. He was fine. He was going mental, but at the end of the day he was totally doing good. Great, actually. He hadn’t spoken with Kit in more than a week and he was glorious.

That was what he tried to believe. The reality wasn’t so nice.

Truth being told, he was struggling to get used to her absence. They had been attached to the hip for almost three years. In teen years, that’s a lot. And he was still nineteen so, yeah, they still were teenagers. Kind of. Only in name. But anyway, the struggle was there and it was real and painful and didn’t want to leave him.

James complained he had been moping like a child, but after a couple of very blunt _fuck off, Prongs,_ he was left on his own, like he just wanted. So he started asking for solo mission on behalf of the Order, and everytime he came back home he refused to speak about her to Remus, who also tried to nag him about what had happened, and refused his friend’s attempts to make him eat some more.

But when the night came, everything he tried to do to avoid thinking of her wasn’t enough. He laid on his bed, listening to the soft sounds that came from the tv in the living room, and all he could do was losing himself in details, moments he thought he had forgotten, little things he had given for granted. And so he thought.

About her voice, the way it always sounded softer when she was talking to him. And her hair, frizzy but quite soft, and how much she liked when he caressed it. And her quirky habits, which she had passed to him unintentionally in the three months they had been living together.

And when the night got darker, he remembered of every single time he had been in a bed (or a couch. A kitchen counter. A shower. Anything, really) with her.

Some days after he had kicked her out, he found the shirt he had given her the first time they had sex.

He remembered it well, because she had started to wear it everytime she fell asleep in his bedroom in the Gryffindor dormitory. And she was wearing that same shirt when she told him that yes, she was insecure about her body and yes, she was afraid he wouldn’t like her. _But_ , she had said, _I’m trying to deal with it, and I’d really like you to take my shirt off. Like, now._ And he had complied slowly, because that was a huge step for her. And him, too, but didn’t have the heart to say it out loud. He thought about his lips on her breasts for the first time, finding them soft and luscious and so sweet, just like he had imagined and God, he could feel just how wet she was because of him, for him and how their bodies were moulded against each other in the most delicious way. She had whispered sweet nothings to his ear, legs crossed behind his back and arms enveloping his shoulders, forcing him in a visceral and intimate embrace. She had always been a sweet, loving and generous girl, since day one at Hogwarts, but when they were alone like that she made him feel like he was the most loved person in the world. Like anyone had never dared to love him that much before her.

A lightning outside his window interrupted his stream of thoughts, making him come back to his own, awful reality. He was in his bedroom, in his new flat with Remus, who was watching some boring French movie in the living room, on his so cold bed, his dick half-hard just at the very thought of her. He was truly, thoroughly, definitely fucked.

Mary Macdonald was around him a lot lately, after Order meetings. Peter had definitely lost every hope to snatch a date from her, so he was now tantalizing some girl from his work place. And yes, Sirius actually liked Mary. She was genuinely funny and asked no questions about his fall out with Kit, which was a blessing. And she was a stunner, with those big blue eyes and short silky hair. He once thought she seemed like she was cut out from a painting, and Sirius rarely exaggerated about someone’s else looks (unless it was Kit, but that was old history according to him. Remus didn’t believe it for a moment).

They didn’t go out on dates, nor did they hang out together outside the Order headquarters or Sirius’ bedroom, but it was nice.

At first he had felt strange about sex with Mary. And that was weird to him, because he had always been pretty enthusiastic about sex. He almost felt guilty towards Kit. Better, it felt like a proper betrayal. They had broke up little than a month and half before and he was already fucking around with someone else. He thought about her, asking himself what she was up to lately, but then realized he was actually between Mary’s legs and it wasn’t actually nice to think of your ex girlfriend while you’re giving your new girl head. Even if he couldn’t technically call Mary his new girl, but the feeling was all the same.

But it was inevitable for him to compare the both of them. He noticed in the early days, and it was something stupid really, or at least it was to him.

Mary had climbed on his lap and they’d fucked just like that, with her breasts moving hypnotically in front of his eyes and her head thrown back in pleasure. He’d actually enjoyed himself, especially when Mary hugged him right before she came, pressing her nipples against his chest and little kisses on his neck. But, later, when they finished, she had rolled off from him and settled on her side to get a few hours of sleep. And that had taken Sirius back in time again, because Kit loved to stay crawled in his lap after having sex like that. She would stay right there, his dick soft between her legs, sweat and seed making them sticky and stink a little bit, but she was irremovable.

“Just a few minutes” she used to mumble sleepily. And the one time Sirius remembered to ask why she liked it so much, she answered something like _I enjoy hearing your heart beating._

And he was no sappy or anything but with an answer like that he had no choice but to hold her tighter.

And it was exactly in moments like that he wanted her so bad to come back, so bad it hurt him. If only she hadn’t say those words with so much convinction. If only she hadn’t been so frustrated and nervous lately. If only he loved her better. If only.

_August_ _1979_

He couldn’t believe that the weather was actually capable to be _that_ hot. He was sweating like a pig, and so was everyone else. Definitely the best of the days to get married. But besides that little inconvenient, James and Lily were giddy with happiness. The greatest smiles he had seen in weeks. They were almost disgusting to look at, but Sirius Black was definitely content for the first time in three months. That was a success, for sure. 

The reception had been exceptionally nice, and he would have enjoyed himself immensely if it hadn’t been for a small detail called Kit Fellowes. She was seated next to her best friend Sylvie and was drinking what he thought it was her fifth (or seventh) glass of wine. She didn’t look good. Well, she was beautiful like always. Even if she had no make up, and her eyes stood out more than usual because of those ugly bags under her eyelashes. Even if she seemed terribly sad, like he hadn’t seen her in years.

“She looks bad, aye?” Remus asked from his right, following his gaze. Mary scowled. She was slightly tipsy, but alas, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a sober Mary and a drunk one. 

“She wouldn’t anymore if Sirius stopped being such a dick” she said, throwing her aching feet on Sirius’ lap.

“Your feet stink, Mary. And I certainly am not being a dick to her” Sirius said, kicking her foot off from his legs. Telling her what happened between him and Kit had been a mistake. Well, it wasn’t his fault really. James had the longest tongue someone could ever imagine.

“You stink, maybe. And you know I’m right”

She was. But he had no intention to aknowledge her. 

“Won’t you dance with your girl, Moony?” he asked, ignoring Mary’s nudge. 

“Who?” Remus asked feigning ignorance. Sirius rolled his eyes, nodding to Sylvie with his chin.

“You know that Sylvie and I… well, we’re not like that. And besides, Kit needs her more than I need” he hinted, eliciting a groan from Sirius. 

“You two are exhausting. Say, Mary, how do you feel about a snog in the bathroom?” he changed topic, turning his head to said girl, who looked truly lovely in her peachy dress. She surveyed him with a knowing look, arms crossed on her chest with cocky smile on her face.

“Yeah, well. Why the hell not”

Sirius knew he was in deep shit. Like, the deepest since he had ran away from home. Okay, maybe he was being a little bit dramatic, but that was beside the point. Thing was, Kit had just caught him snogging the air out of Mary’s lungs. And was watching him like be had grown three heads on his neck. And she looked like someone had smacked her in the face. And he felt awful and angry and frustrated at the same time, because she was looking at him with a hurt look in her eyes, as if he was actively cheating on her, and she seemed so broken and weak and _tired_ that he wished she could disappear from his view. But she had no right, no right at all to look so disappointed. He hadn’t been the one to fuck up things. Mary wouldn’t have agreed with that point, but he didn’t care at all.

“I... I need the loo” she mumbled wearily, her chestnut eyes were watery, a tear was ready to fall on her right cheek.

“I’m going to check on Remus” Mary said, kicking him in the shin. He looked at her, whispering a _what the fuck, Macdonald_ , and watched her lips move slightly.

 _Talk to her._ He rolled his eyes but said nothing in return, and she swiftly left them in a hurry. Sirius was almost sure she had locked him and Kit together in the fucking bathroom. Like he couldn’t charm it open in a second. What an idiot.

She cleared her throat, making him painfully aware of her presence once more, and he couldn’t avoid to look at her. That was the first time they were in the same room, alone, in three months. And she looked so beautiful to him, even in the weak and dim light of the bathroom. Her eyes looked wide, her cheeks were red like someone had spent a good five minutes pinching them hard, and her lips, god in heaven, were painted in the rich burgundy of the wine she had been drinking the whole evening.

“I need...” she started, placing a hand on her throat.

“Look, Kit, I don’t think this is the right time”

“Oh, God...” she muttered before hitting his shoulder with her own, entering hastily one of the cabins.

He found her kneeling towards the toilet, her greenish dress huddled up around her calves, black pumps left in the angle of the narrow room.

“Fuck, Kit. Are you okay?” he asked stupidly, because it was bright as the day she wasn’t doing good. She clearly thought the same, because she responded with something that resembled a low chuckle.

“You don’t want to know” she managed to grumble with resentment before throwing her head down again. Her words stung him, but he guessed he kind of deserved it.

He knelt behind her, recollecting her hair in one hand and pressing the other soothingly on her naked back, feeling goosebumps growing all over her warm skin. She went rigid at his touch, like he had expected her to, but he went on nonetheless, touching her shoulder blades gently while she hugged the toilet.

“What are you doing?” she whispered in weak tone, leaning slightly towards him.

“What are _you_ doing?” he retorted, tying her hair in a low bun on her nape. Her hair always smelled good. He sighed, taking in her sweet and familiar scent.

“I don’t know” she answered, taking a step back from the toilet. An idea - an impossible one, mind you, crept in his mind. _Could she be..._

“Are you, by any chance... You know...” he started, tuttering his words awkwardly. He wasn’t going to see the end of the day.

“Oh, God. No, I’m not... I’m not. I’m on my period”

Oh. He nodded, even if she couldn’t actually see him. That explained some things. She always felt awful during her period days, and Sirius couldn’t count how many times he had laid his warm cheek on her stomach to give her some comfort of sorts. His eyes softened at the memory, remembering the gentle touch of her fingers on his hair, how she loved when he leaned into her skin, cherishing every kiss he laid on her belly.

 _It’s almost painless when you’re around_ , she had said once in a quiet sigh, caressing his face tenderly. He thought about that often.

She left his arms slowly, sliding her back against the wall with a soft sigh, both her hands playing in her lap in an awkward motion.

He mirrored her gestures, sitting across from her, grazing her legs with his. Sirius couldn’t help but stare at her sweaty skin, how the little droplets discreetly ran on her chest, couldn’t avoid but look, mesmerized, at how the flimsy dress showed off so nicely her cleavage, how a droplet was now reaching the wide space between her breasts. And he knew he shouldn’t have looked at her like that, not anymore, but she had always been mesmerizing to him. Now more than ever.

“What?” he heard her ask in a frank tone. He shrugged like a kid, a hint of a smile on his lips.

“Nothing. You look nice” he murmured sincerely. She looked at him like he had said she had grown a third eye on her face.

“What?” he echoed her.

“Are you serious?”

“Aren’t I always?” he deadpanned with a smirk, earning a huge scoff from her.

“Stop it” she said. She, he could see it clearly, was biting the inside of her cheek. It was something he found out about in the early months of their relationship, when he kissed her and suddenly tasted blood in her mouth.

 _(You know, Remus would like this peculiar thing of yours_ , he had teased her one evening, while they were having a nasty game of Wizard’s Chess and Remus was being their score keeper.

 _What am I, a vampire?_ , Remus had said with a straight face, earning a cackle from Kit.

 _And, pray tell, how would you know about Remus’ likings in this kind of things?_ , she had asked, her body shaking with laughter.

 _I’m the man_ , he had joked, making Remus roll his eyes so hard Kit fell from her chair.)

“I’m not doing anything” he answered earnestly, crossing both arms on his chest.

“Stop looking at me like that” she pleaded, pressing tightly one hand on eyes. He winced at her tone, a sour grimace in his face.

“Sorry”

She bit her lip pensively, looking at him like she was trying to put the puzzles back together.

“Why don’t you go find Mary?”

“We’re not... She’s not my girlfriend, you know” he said, feeling the sudden need to clarify he wasn’t tied to anyone. Like his subconscious was trying to say _hey_ , _i’m free for you_. Bollocks.

“I didn’t ask” she answered in a defensive tone.

“I know”

“At least she seems nice”

“She’s cool. I like her”

“Yeah”

There was a soft silence between them, something he wasn’t accustomed to, because he and Kit used to talk all the time about everything. And it hurt him, realizing things had changed so much in so little time.

“What about you?” he asked, shaking his head as if he could kick out all his thoughts out of it.

“Uh?”

“Met someone?”

“Oh. God, no. I mean... There was this girl. We hung out for a bit but... It was too soon”

She blushed slightly, her chest and her slender neck painted in a lovely shade of pink.

“Is hanging out a new way to say you were fucking her?” he asked abruptly, making her roll her eyes at his antics.

“No, Sirius, I wasn’t fucking her. Jesus”

He watched her, focusing his gaze on her lips. She was refraining herself from smirking, he could sense it.

“You weren’t?”

“Certainly not. I didn’t know her that well”

“So... you’re done with her?”

“Yeah. She wasn’t that much into me, to be fair.”

“That’s hard to imagine” he answered sincerely, gaining a sad smile from her. She shrugged and pursued her lips in a thin line.

“It is what it is”

There was a quiet moment where they stared into each others eyes, grey and dark brown meeting for real, for the first time in ages and he soon wished she could disappear from his view, because he could read her pain in her pupils, all of it. And it was so overwhelming he just wanted to run away.

“There was someone else, actually” she murmured weakly, pressing both knees to her chest.

“Someone I know?” he asked trying his best to be casual about it. He didn’t succeed.

“Yeah” she said sheepishly.

“You’re keeping me on my toes, here”

“I had sex with Ben. Like, last month. I guess”

Sirius froze for a moment that seemed to last way too much. It took him less than a second to realize she was talking about her fucking brother in law.

“You’re joking” he said, shock painted all over his face. She shook her head, pressing her knees tigther to her chest.

“I’m not”

“Fuck” Sirius sighed, leaning on the wall behind him.

“I know”

“How in the world did it happen?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound too rude. Or angry. Or jealous. Because he was ready to explode, right then, right there, even if he had no reason at all to care about her private life. Or about her, that was. Jesus in Heaven.

“I don’t know. I guess... Well, he’s been on his own since Liane died. No friends, no other women. He wanted to be alone, but he liked to have me around. Maybe it’s because I look like her, God, I don’t really know. And I... I felt like being alone too at the time, so we started to keep each other company. And I don’t know, one moment we were drinking heavy stuff from the cabinet and the next minute he had me bended on the kitchen table. I don’t remember much of it”

“Less with the details” he grimaced imagining his ex girlfriend (had she ever been?) having intercourse - Jesus, he spoke like Remus - with someone ten years her senior - her late sister’s freaking husband.

“Sorry” she murmured, biting her lips tightly.

“Did he... Did he made you do it?” he asked with a hint of uncertainty in his voice. Her eyes widened, but she shook her head promptly.

“No! God, no, we were both drunk. It lasted like, three minutes, and then we were both crying on the pavement” she murmured.

_Merlin, kill me know. Make it fast._

“Jesus Christ, Kit. And then?” he asked, wishing he had a cigarette to endure this torture.

“Then what?”

“What happened?” he found himself asking, pressing his elbows on both knees. She shrugged a second time, a sad smile on her sweet face.

“That’s the worse”

“Can’t be worse than this” Sirius murmured quietly, and she snorted at that.

“We did it again”

“You got to be kidding me”

“No. It lasted a week”

“No way”

“Yeah.”

“That’s fucked up” he said with his gaze fixed on a point next to her head.

She winced at his words, but nodded nonetheless.

“I know” she murmured, and he could hear a slight crack in her voice.

_You’re a nasty piece of work, Sirius Black._

“Sorry. I didn’t mean...”

“No, you’re right. I fucked up. Again”

“Why did you stop? Being with him?”

“Uhm. There was a night we were pretty wasted and... Well, he called me Liane while I was... God, this is hard”

“Were you giving him head?”

“Yeah”

“So you stopped”

“Mh-mh”

“It wasn’t something casual, then”

“Uh?”

“You don’t give head to someone if it’s casual”

She rolled her eyes.

“Really? Poor Mary, then”

“Could you not?” he snapped. Kit sighed, enveloping herself with both arms.

“It _was_ casual. We just... enjoyed having that... intimacy... Uh, i enjoyed being with someone the way I was...”

“With me” he ended, his voice softer than ever. Kit bit her lip, nodding curtly.

“Yeah. It made it tolerable”

“It made _what_ tolerable?”

“The pain... but mostly the regret”

“Regret of what?”

“Of ruining the most valued thing I had in my life beside my sister. God. Isn’t that cheesy to say?”

He just stared at her, almost gaping. There were no words for him to say. He couldn’t think of one. She was always so goddamn good at fucking with his mind. 

“I’m... I’m sorry for what I said to you that night. It was... totally unfair. And untrue. Just so you know”

“Yeah”

“I was scared. Well, you know I’m a scaredy-cat, that’s no news. And no excuse, either. But... What you said hurt me too”

“I’m sorry if that hurt you. But I stand by that. I ain’t going apologize for saying what I think”

“And I don’t want you to”

And in that same exact moment, Sirius wanted nothing more but to hold her tightly against him, losing himself between her loving arms, smelling the soft scent of her curly hair. He let out a big sigh without even realising it. She pressed her lips together, sniffing slightly. He had never seen Kit looking that bad, except when Liane died, of course. He felt so guilty, knowing that the main reason of her (not) well-being was because of him.

“You look pale”

“I’ve been sick all day. Sylvie tried to make me stay at home but... you know, bridesmaid duties and all”

“Yeah. I can understand”

“Yeah?”

“I’m best man, missy” he said with a gallivanting tone that made her laugh softly. He closed his eyes, enjoying the pure sound coming from her lips. He had missed that.

“Of course you are, you git”

(And then there’s a moment, a single, tiny, fleeting moment in which she smile at him. Not at the pavement, or the wall behind him, but right at him, right into his eyes. And he’s lost.)

And he kissed her.

(Just. Like. That.)

The quiet padding of naked feet behind his back made him smile, a half-smoked cigarette hanging between his dry lips. 

As expected, Kit wounded from behind one arm around his waist, while the other one snaked up to his shoulders, holding him softly, almost like she was unsure of it. 

_He almost hears her thinking something on the lines of “Should I be holding him like this?, Is it too early?, Should I back off?, What the fuck am I doing?”_

“Hi” Sirius murmured, leaning into her warm limbs. She sighed on his neck, warm breath spreading deliciously on his skin. 

“Can’t sleep?” she asked, pressing her hot cheek to his shoulder. He shook his head, hushing a quiet _Evanesco_ towards his cigarette. 

“Are you... Yeah, are you thinking about Mary?” she asked, voice trembling a bit. Sirius thought carefully about it, his eyes lost in the hectic traffic going on in the streets of London. 

“No”. 

Things had escalated quickly. Like, real quick. His mouth was on Kit’s, and she had pressed her hands on his face, drawing him closer, even if they were as close to each other as possible. But it wasn’t enough. It never was. His hands had snaked around her waist, circling her back tightly, caressing her naked skin with wide palms, drinking her moans in his mouth. 

“I’m... I didn’t wash my mouth... I just threw up...” she had sighed against his lips, trying to detach from his grip. Sirius had shaken his head, pressing another kiss on her mouth. 

“I don’t really care about that, Kitty. I missed you too much” he had murmured, tracing the outline of her jaw with his lips. Kit made an enthusiastic sound, but he felt her tense slightly against his chest. 

“What is it?” he had asked, leaning towards the wall. 

“It’s Mary. You’re here with her, Sirius. That’s not fair to her” 

He had sighed, pressing his forehead against hers. 

“I know, love. But you know we’re not together, yeah? Mary and me, I mean” he had said, taking her right hand in his. She let him, caressing his palm with her fingers, nodding slightly.

“Yes. But it’s all the same. You were snogging her when I came in here. And now...” 

“Look, Kit. I love you. Don’t look at me like that, you know I do. And I don’t care if you can’t say it back, I just want you back home. With me” he had said, nestling his face on her neck because he couldn’t look into her eyes if she was going to neglect him again. That would have been too much for him to bear. 

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. But... But you have to tell her. She deserves it” she had whispered somewhere near his temple, her voice slightly cracked. 

“How would you know?” he had asked, moving his head to meet her reddish eyes.

“Remus told me she was doing you good” had been her answer, accompanied by a small shrug of her shoulders. 

“I didn’t know you two were on speaking terms” 

“Yeah, he was pretty angry at me for what I did to you. Didn’t speak to me for two weeks, the old champ” 

Sirius had smiled, imagining Remus with crossed arms on his chest and a severe expression on his face while chastising Kit. 

“I’ll tell her. Now, actually” he had said, trying to get up. His legs had fell asleep. Oh, to be (almost) twenty and thriving.

“Wait, no! You’ll upset her” 

“You don’t know her, Kitty. I do” 

“I don’t want to cause any trouble. I shouldn’t have kissed you” 

“You regret it?” 

She smiled tenderly, sensing his fear. A caress landed on his cheek, and he leant in her warm hand.

“Of course not. But you’re someone else’s”

“Is this the time where I should answer “ _I have always been yours, babe_? Because I could die by embarassment” 

“You big dork” she had laughed, accepting a light kiss on the forehead before he left the bathroom.

(“So, you back with her?” Mary said after listening to Sirius rambling about vomit, open hearted confessions and wild snogging for four minutes straight. He avoided her look, watching James and Lily dance in the middle of the ballroom with big smiles on their faces. 

“I don’t know. We would like to try” he said with an earnest tone and a small shrug. 

“Okay” 

“I’m sorry, Mary” he murmured, circling her arm with his hand. She shook her head, short hair moving around her temples. 

“Don’t be, love. I’m glad for you. You’ve always been a sap for her, even back at school” she said with a little smile on her magenta lips. 

“I care about you, Mary. As a friend, I mean. I don’t want to watch you disappear as soon as this conversation is over” he murmured, looking down his feet. She followed his gaze. There was a small stain of vomit on his shoes. Nice. 

“Yeah, because you guys could totally get rid of me. As if” she joked with a fake laugh. 

“Very funny, Mackie. I...” 

Mary nodded like she knew everything already. 

“You need to go” 

“Yeah” 

“Alright. Thank you. For telling me, I mean” she said, running one hand through her hair. 

“It’s the least I could do. I owe you, Mary” 

“You don’t owe me a thing, dude. We’re friends, right?” 

“Right. Friends” he nodded with a sad smile. 

“Alright, then” she said, noticing Kit Fellowes coming out from the bathroom looking thoroughly snogged and also a bit green in the face. Hence the stain on his shoes.

“You must love her quite much if you’re willing to kiss her after she threw up” she snorted, making him blush all over his cheeks. 

“How in the hell... Oh, why do I bother to ask? You always know everything” 

“You just rambled about it, Sir” 

“Oh, right. I’m sorry. It’s just that...”

”You’re overwhelmed. I get it. We can always pretend I’m actually omniscient. Dumbledore-like”

“Merlin save us” he said with a roll of his eyes. 

“She’s looking for you. Go on” 

“Thanks, Mary. See you” he said, kissing her cheek briefly. 

“Bye” she murmured, watching him walk away from her. 

_What a stupid, stupid, stupid girl you are._

“Rough night, uh?” she heard Remus say behind her back. 

“You heard everything?” she asked turning around to catch him looking at her with a pained expression on his face. 

“Almost. You’re the best liar I’ve ever met” 

“Thanks”

“I’m sorry about this” 

“It’ll pass, Remus. It’ll pass”)


	7. Life bites

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don’t own HP. We all know that. 
> 
> hi again, my beloved readers (which you are, like, ten, but i love you nonetheless). this here is a super long chapter and i apologize for it, but i’m trying to make up for my whole absence in january, so... anyway, in this chapter there are mentions of a pregnancy scare, a bit of angst (a bit really) and lots (maybe too much) fluff and smut. this chapter is called life bites and i wanted it to have two different meanings : some scraps of their everyday lives, as you’ll see, and the difficulty of living with an upcoming war (so the title should also symbolize life bites as in life hurts or things like this - maybe you had already got that but i’m dummy so bear with me). i’d really like to know what do you think of it, so if you’d like to comment i’d really appreciate it, comments (and also kudos, but i appreciate a verbal feedback more) make my day. i truly hope you’re doing fine, wherever you are, in these days. i hope this story can bring some entertainment and comfort, writing it has been really good for me! <3 
> 
> ps. i know this fic started as a double shot (it originally was, really) but i liked to write about this so much that i couldn’t leave it so soon! i hope you’ll keep up with me a bit more. sending you lots of love!

_September, 1979_

“I just didn’t find it good at all. It bored me!” Peter was saying in his usual whining tone, making James snort. 

“That’s why I always say you’re tasteless, Pete” he retorted, earning a groan from Lily. 

They - as in the Marauders plus Kit and Lily and, surprisingly, Mary and Sylvie - were hanging out at The Leaky Cauldron, in London, right after an _Alien_ screening that had left Peter trembling because of fear. He didn’t cope well with jumpscares. 

“I myself thought that Ellen Ripley was hot. Like, really hot” Kit said pensively while twirling a red straw in her drink. James nodded intensely while Peter grimaced again, making Remus laugh.

“But you think I’m the hottest” Sirius intervened, waiting for her response. 

“Yes, love. The absolute best” she conceded with a small laugh. He smiled and kissed her gingerly on the cheek. 

“I know, Kitty. Just wanted to hear you say it” he teased, circling her neck with both arms. 

“How can you think Ellen Ripley is hot? She looked like a man most of the time” Peter thought out loud, making everyone groan. 

“Here we go again” Sylvie murmured sleepily, leaning her head on Remus’ shoulder. 

“Jesus, Pete, that’s a very rude thing to say” Kit said, while the boy in front of her rolled his eyes at her antics. 

“Come on, Kit, she’s not the fittest woman in the world. Nastassja Kinski, on the other side...” Peter rambled, eyes shining at the thought. 

“Kinski? You mean the girl from _Tess?”_ Mary asked with an arched brow. Remus shook his head, a wide smile on his face. 

“You traitor! You knew I wanted to watch it! Why didn’t you ask us?” Kit asked with a huff.

“What’s a _Tess?”_ James asked, brows furred together. 

“It’s a romantic movie” Lily whispered to him, making his eyes go wide. 

“Romantic? Try more like tragic” Peter complained, crossing his arms in front of his chest. 

“Oh, Pete, you big softie!” James said in a high-pitched tone. 

“And that’s why I didn’t tell you I saw it!” he mumbled, hiding half of his face in his sweater. 

“Can’t be worse than that French shit Remus watches every week on the delly” Sirius cut in, eliciting a _fucking hell_ from Remus. 

“Telly” Kit corrected him softly.

“What she said” he nodded along.

“ _You_ watch _Jesus Christ Superstar_ at least once a month and _I’_ m the one who watches shit” he accused, drinking a considerable quantity of beer from his glass. 

“Hey, no need to drag Jesus down. Such a bad boy you are” Sylvie teased from his shoulder, making everyone laugh. Everyone except Remus of course, who muttered something very similar to _Lord help me._

 _“_ And just to say: the dude who plays Jesus is hot” Mary said, earning nods from all the girls - and Sirius - and an incredulous look from Remus. 

“Yeah, but the one who plays Judas is even better” Lily hummed. 

“Preach, sister” Sylvie said in an appreciative tone. 

“Must be the bad guy attitude. Remus knows something about it” Kit cut in. 

“I give up. You guys are insufferable” he said, throwing his hands up to the air.

“Yeah, like your French shit” Sirius snorted. 

Nestled under his arm, Kit felt a sudden and disturbing thought. Like... Like she already knew something bad was going to happen. It wasn’t a thought, actually, but something more like a real feeling, that brought goosebumps all over her shoulders. She looked around warily, trying her best to look casual, and noticed a figure seated alone at a table right in the corner, an untouched beer in front of him. She couldn’t see him clearly in the face because of the cloak, and that was the thing that alerted her the most. 

“Sirius” she murmured, while the others kept talking about something she couldn’t hear anymore. 

“Yes, lovely?” he promptly responded, pressing her body against his side. 

“Don’t look immediately, but I think someone is watching us” she murmured, inching closer to his neck. 

“Where?”

“In the right corner. Don’t look at him straight away” 

“You’re right. He’s watching us” 

“Fuck” she cursed under her breath, pressing one hand on her forehead. That couldn’t end well. 

“It’s okay, Kitty. We’ll manage” he was saying, trying to be reassuring, but the stranger was raising from his seat.

“He’s getting up. Why is he getting up?” she asked, looking at him briefly. 

“He knows” Sirius said in an icy tone. 

“Everybody down!” Kit hissed while the stranger casted a curse towards them.

And from then, chaos ensued. 

It had been a carefully planned ambush. Or so had said the Aurors - Frank and Alice Longbottom from school, actually - when they finally got to them. Turned out that the stranger was actually a goddamn Death Eater, and wasn’t alone at all. The goal, according to what the Aurors had found out, was to attack Sirius. The specific reason why wasn’t clear to anyone, but it didn’t take a genius to understand. Sirius was the firstborn of the Blacks, someone whose relatives were stricly connected to Voldemort himself. And he was powerful, with a natural inclination for Dark Magic that he tried to suppress on a daily basis. But it was in his blood, no matter how hard he fought against it. He would have been an infinitely useful ally to them. Kit shuddered just at the thought.

She got away with a few scratches, cuts, and a bad lump on her head, and so did everyone else, while James and Mary had received such severe injuries they had been directly sent to St. Mungo’s. Lily and Remus had stayed behind, trying to calm Sirius down but it had been a vane try.

“I need to go with them” Sirius raved, holding Lily by her shoulders. Sylvie and Peter stood awkwardly some steps behind, uncomfortable expressions on their pale faces. 

Lily hugged him tenderly, holding her tears back and shooking fiercely her head.

“No, you have to go home, get some rest. Remus and I will be with them tonight” she murmured at his ear, patting his back slightly before leaving him. Remus took Lily by her arm, ready to Apparate them away to the hospital.

“See you in the morning” Kit murmured, holding Sirius tightly by his wrist, feeling his quick pulse under her fingers while they watched Remus and Lily leave.

“Stay still”

“Sorry” 

They were lying low at her summer house. Well, her parents’ summer house. Since Liane died it was mostly unused and it was the first place she had thought about when the Aurors had advices not to go home for that night. Sylvie had gone back to her parents’ mansion in the countryside and had brought with her a reluctant Peter - he didn’t cope well with parents either - and that had left her with a brooding Sirius. 

“Does it hurt?” she murmured, pressing a white cloth over the wound on his forehead. He was sitting on an old armchair while she stood tiredly between his legs, leaning into him for support. 

“No” he answered, but his clenched jaw told her otherwise. Knowing him, the fact James and Mary were in hospital, heavily wounded, while he got away with just a few cuts, made him feel so guilty he didn’t have the courage to complain. 

She nodded without firm convinction, and went on nonetheless. His right hand rested limp against her leg, she could feel a worrying heat spreading from his hand to her naked thigh. 

He kept his eyes open, fixed on the sparkling sea beyond the windows. They were so close to the beach they could easily see the waves hitting, repeatedly and violently, on the rocks.

“Do you like it?” she asked, noticing how often his eyes wandered away to the dark sea. 

“What?” 

“The beach” 

“I had never seen one before” 

She stopped slowly, leaving the wet cloth on the little table beside the armchair. 

“We can go for a walk if you’d like to look at it” she murmured, tucking some dark locks behind his ears.

He shook his head, covering with both hands the sides of her tighs, head pressed on her stomach.

“I’m so sorry, Kitty” he said, his voice muffed by her dress. 

“It’s not your fault” she whispered, wrapping her arms around his back, holding him tightly against her frame. 

“It is. I failed, Kit. I should’ve protected them” he almost sobbed, and Kit felt her eyes dampen, threatening to release her tears all in once. 

Slowly, she climbed on his lap, parting her legs to rest against each of his knees. 

“None of this is your fault. We’re at war... It was bound to happen some day” she quietly murmured, lips pressed to the shell of his ear.

He sighed, leaning his head on her collarbone, mouth pressed against her skin, soft and silky locks brushing close to her throat while he shooked his head in a desperate motion.

“I’ve been so careless. If only I...” he cried in a broken whisper. Kit was sure she was already crying, because nothing had ever hurt her more than seeing the ones she loved like that. He looked wrecked. Lost. Just like she had been months prior, when they’d broken up. But now was different. Now it was really serious. It was war. They were growing up in a dangerous world. And probably that would be just the first of numerous encounters with _those_ people. People who wanted to murder them in cold blood, who wanted to eliminate their loved ones. She cleaned the tears on her cheeks with her wrist, sniffing slightly. 

“Look at me. Please, look at me” she pleaded, holding his head with both hands, fingers locking tightly in his hair. He raised his head, looking alarmed at her tears, but she shooked her head with a sad smile.

“I... I know this is hard. I know you must feel like utter shit now, and I get that. Believe me, I do. But you have no fault in this. You... You’ve grown in such a special person, my love” 

His eyes widened at that, because it was the first time she addressed him like that. _My love._ Because he was. He had always been. Since their first kiss, so many days ago. Since the first time she had met him, years ago. She had been loving him for almost ten years and never had the strength and the courage to tell him. 

“And I feel grateful every single day since we got back together, because I used to take you so much for granted” she continued, tears streaking her face until they reached their mouth. Sirius frowned, pressing his thumbs to dry her skin.

“And I want you to know it’s going to happen again. Because we’re at war, and wars are like that. Well, you would know if you kept taking Muggle Studies, but I think that’s beside the point” 

He smiled at that, shaking his head with a small chuckle. His eyes were wet, too. 

“Thing is, this is something so much bigger than us. My sister died because of it, and sometimes I fall asleep crying because of her and... Jesus, this is hard. I think about her all the time but I have no fault in her death. Nor has her husband. Or my parents. We keep thinking _we could have protected her better, we could have been more careful, we could have been with her_ all the time, and yet we couldn’t. Because we can’t control it” 

Sirius pursed his lips, biting slightly on his reddish lower lip while his hands slightly grazed her cheeks. 

“Are you finished?” he murmured on her lips, softly caressing the back of her neck. 

“No. I’m trying to say that things are gonna be though and ugly but I want to face them with you. I want _this_ to work this time” 

“Is this your cliche-y and adorable way to say you love me?” he asked quietly, leaning his head back to the armchair. Kit looked at him, losing herself in his darkened eyes, observing how elegantly his nose was slightly illuminated by the pale moonlight, and the way his long eyelashes batted against his cheeks and his…

“Are you okay?” he asked, patting her lightly on the jaw. She blushed, stifling back a giggle. 

“Yeah. I just... You distracted me” she said sheepishly, pressing two fingers to the bridge of her nose. 

“I did nothing!” he exclaimed. 

“Your face distracted me. You have a very handsome face. And yes, I was trying to say that I love you. Very much indeed” she finished with a small sigh, relishing in the touch of his hands, which went slowly south, encasing in each of them her thighs, nimble fingers pressing in the supple flesh of her buttocks. His face was just an inch away from hers, so close she could feel his breath on her lips. 

“Can you say it again? Just one more time” he softly breathed on her mouth, shivers all over her neck. 

Kit inched closer, taking once again his face between her hands. 

“ _I. Love. You.”_ she said in between slow and sloppy kisses all over his face, strong hands holding her shoulders tightly against him, soft lips searching hers. and in that moment Kit could think of nothing but themselves. And it was plainly selfish, because people were falling and other were rising, and battles were being fought day by day and their friends were so far away from them, but she couldn’t think of it. 

_How lucky can one be, to find such great happiness in these dark days?_

James and Mary were going to be fine, according to the nurse they had spoken to. They had to stay at hospital for a few days more, but they definitely were out of danger. 

“ _They already seem a little bit overexcited, try not to upset them”_ she had said before letting them in. Sirius and Kit had shared an amused look but had nodded in a composed and what they thought it was a very adult-like manner. 

“Oh, good, you’re here” someone called behind their backs, and they turned to find one Remus Lupin, looking worse than a punchbag, to say the least. 

“Are we late? We tried to get here as fast as we could” Sirius asked in a concerned tone, brows knitted together. Remus shook his head tiredly, arms crossed over his cardigan. 

“No, no, you’re quite early. It’s just.. It’s been a long night” he sighed weakly. 

“Where is Lily?” Kit said, looking around for a red-haired head.

“She’s downstairs with James’ parents, they’re eating a bite” he mumbled, rubbing one hand to his face. 

“Aren’t you hungry?” Sirius inquired, probably taking carefully in his friend’s appearance.

“No” 

“Are you okay?” Kit asked, casting a quick glance at Sirius, who looked at her back with the same concerned look. 

“Yes, I just need to... to go home. Everything is good” he said, but he couldn’t fail anyone, not even himself. 

Kit was about to say something, but she was promptly interrupted by him, who kept talking in a slightly trembling tone. 

“Mary wants to talk to you” he said. 

“What?” Kit asked, sounding more than surprised.

“She said she has something to tell you” Remus added quietly, avoiding both Sirius and Kit’s eyes. 

“Are you sure she meant me? She probably wants to talk to Sirius more than me” she said earnestly, but Remus shook his head once again. 

“She really meant you. She’s awake, if you want”

“Oh... Alright, then. I won’t make her wait. I’ll se you both in a bit” she said, her tone still uncertain. Sirius squeezed her hand twice, then let their fingers loosen and part slowly. 

Kit stepped forward, rising on her toes to give Remus a quick kiss on his cheek. 

“They’re going to be fine, Remi” she whispered into his ear, and she felt him nodding slightly above her head, a quiet sniff leaving his mouth. And then he was encouraging her to go, an almost imperceptible smile on his mouth. She walked away from them thinking what in heaven Mary could have wanted from her, and when she reached her room and spotted her lying on the pristine bed in a fetal position, tears streaking her face, she turned away, her fingers still stuck to the handle, wishing she could spare this to herself, because she wasn’t sure she could handle Mary in those conditions. She seemed desperate. From where she was standing, at the end of the hallway, she could see Remus, who was in Sirius’ embrace, his face engulfed in his friend’s shoulder, and Kit almost felt guilty about violating such a private moment. She heard a desperate sob coming out of Remus’ mouth, and that prompted her to turn the handle in her hand. 

“Did Remus tell you Mary wanted to talk to you?” Lily asked some days later, trying to act nonchalantly about it. 

“Yes. I went to see her” was Kit’s response, while she reached for one of James’ socks. It was a spare one, as had been the last three.

Lily had asked her help to tidy her and James’ house in order to get it ready for the little surprise party they were throwing for him and Mary. Kit had been skeptic about it, because she had always seen Lily tidying up most of James and Sirius’ messes effortlessly, but had agreed nonetheless. 

_So this is why she asked me. Good to know._

“And... Everything is fine, yes?” Lily asked, trying to pry but in a very educate way. She was like that, Lily. 

“Yeah. Everything’s fine” Kit echoed her, in a dull tone, reaching for some sweatpants hidden under the sofa. Really, did James ever do his house chores? 

“Alright” Lily said in a strangely high pitched tone, nodding a couple of times before returning to her cleaning. Kit smiled, hiding behind the sofa for a moment. 

“Did Sirius send you on mission?” she asked, stifling a laugh with her hand. Lily’s cheeks reddened, but she promptly shook her head. 

“No!” 

“Lily” 

“Okay, yes” 

“I knew it. He’s been bugging me about it for days” she whined, while plopping on the sofa with a slight thump. Lily took a seat next to her, folding her legs under herself, showing her uncovered and pale calves. Kit almost offered her James’ spare socks, but then she looked at all the dirt on it and decided against it. She hoped they had a good washing machine in that house of theirs. 

“Why can’t you tell him?” 

“I promised Mary not to” 

“I see. Then don’t tell me” 

“No? You seemed eager” 

“I can’t lie to Sirius, Kit. He’s my friend” 

Kit didn’t answer at that. She really wanted to say something on the lines of “ _Oh, really? I’m your friend, too”_ , but she understood what Lily meant. She shared with Sirius something she couldn’t fully understand, it had been like that since Lily had joined their group. At first she had been jealous, because she had been there before Lily and that made her feel self-conscious. It had taken a lot of time - and a lot of talks with Remus - to realize that they had so much in common it was only natural they’d become such good friends. It was difficult to notice in the beginning, because Sirius was such a cantankerous, chaotic and energetic person where Lily was well-natured, calm and composed, and it bugged her when he confided in her whenever he needed. It made her feel set aside for a new toy, like she already was old stuff. But then, right after the Easter holidays, she had seen Lily in a tantrum after her sister had called her nasty names in front of her whole family and she had realized how stupid she had been. Especially when James, of all people, had said: _Sirius, I think you should go talk to her._ And Sirius had nodded, because no one knew better than him what it meant to love a brother who didn’t acknowledge him anymore. 

So, yeah. She understood that now. 

“Then I won’t tell you” she said, in a serious tone. 

“Okay. That’s for the best” Lily answered, slightly embarrassed.

“Indeed”

_October, 1979_

“So, what’s this deal between you and Mary? Lily told me you didn’t tell her shit” Remus asked Kit the morning after the welcome back party for Mary and James. They’d gotten up in order to get groceries - their fridge begged to be fulled after being on his own for so long - and since one could find the best groceries only in the early morning they had decided to go for a (long) walk.

(Kit had tried to wake Sirius but he had gotten wasted the night before so he was living an experience of his own - probably beside the toilet.)

Kit looked at Remus, looking for a proper answer, but none came.

They were in a nice - and quite cheap - market just outside London they had found years prior, during the summer holidays between sixth and seventh year. It seemed like a decade ago. 

“Lily should mind her tongue” she sighed, picking a red tomato between two fingers, watching it shine under the warm sun. 

“Kit. I’m serious” Remus said tiredly. 

“No, you’re not. He’s still sleeping. Lucky him” she added under her breath. Remus rolled his eyes.

“Is it that bad?” 

Kit carefully looked around herself and casted a silent _Muffliato_ around them, even if there wasn’t much people since it was freaking seven in the morning but one could never tell. 

“Remus” she said in an extremely serious tone.

“Kit” he mocked her, imitating her voice.

“This is something that has to remain between us. No one knows beside me and Mary” 

“I swear, Kit” 

She looked around, still uncertain.

“Mary... Mary was late” 

It took a whole minute for Remus to react to Kit’s words. 

“I beg your pardon?” 

“You heard it right, Remi” 

“But she’s not... she’s not pregnant, right?”Remus stuttered, passing one hand through his hair. Kit looked at him quizzically, arching both her dark eyebrows. 

“What?” Remus asked, confused.

“You like her” 

His eyes quickly widened, sort of confirming her thoughts. He shrugged, a look of indifference on his face.

“What? No” 

“Yes” 

“No” 

“Yes!” 

“No!” 

“Yes!” 

“I... That’s beside the point!” he exclaimed, raising one hand to his neck. His cheeks were flushed.

“Jesus, Remus” 

“Tell me the rest” he urged her, while an old man in front of them tried to sell his peppers in a voice that was way too loud for that time in the morning. She grimaced slightly, then looked back at Remus with a knowing look on her face.

“Don’t think you’ll get out of this unscathed” 

“Katherine” he grunted. She raised her hands. 

“Sorry” 

“Go on”

“I went to the pharmacy to get the test and there was this old lady that chastised me because, well, _having intercourse before marriage ruins you, young lady,_ and I almost punched her because it’s enough that your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend asks _you,_ girlfriend of aforementioned boyfriend, to buy her a pregnancy test and you have to calm her down because she’s basically having a mental breakdown” 

“For fuck’s sake, will you take a breath?” 

Kit nodded, walking away from the peppers’ seller because he was becoming quite insufferable with that high voice of his. Remus followed her through the people until they reached a quiet alley. Kit leaned her shoulders against the wall, arms crossed on her chest. She tried her best to look casual, but that conversation was upsetting her deepily, bringing her back to that hospital room, almost two weeks before. She shook her head slightly before continuing in a weak tone.

“When I got back, she was having another breakdown. It broke my heart, Remus. I wasn’t even thinking that she could have been pregnant with Sirius’ child, which I thought about a lot later, but right then... She was so scared” Kit murmured, closing her eyes when Remus squeezed her shoulder lightly.

“Why did she want you? And not Lily?” 

“Lily could never keep something so big from Sirius. You know how she is with him” 

He nodded silently, sliding next to her against the wall.

“Yeah. Yeah, I know. Go on, please” 

“After she calmed we went to the bathroom and I helped her take the test” 

Remus’ eyes were full of sorrow and pain and something she would have called pity but someone like Remus, someone who knew pity so well, would never dare to do the same to someone else. At least she wanted to think it like that.

“Kit, that... that must have been awful” 

“She had the worst part, believe me” she snorted, hiding a sniff behind her wrist. 

“And?” 

“And what?” 

“Is she pregnant?” 

Kit pursed her lips in a tight smile. 

“No. She’s not. She was just late. I went to see her two days before the hospital sent her home, she’s on her period” 

Remus exhaled in evident relief, and he sagged against the wall until his shoulder touched Kit’s. 

“How is she?” 

“Good. Better” 

“And you?” 

“Nothing happened to me, Remus” she reminded him in a kind tone. 

“Alright. But if you want to talk about it..” he let the sentence fall, already knowing what she would have said in response.

“I know” 

“What about Sirius?” 

“Sirius mustn’t know about this” 

“Kit...” 

The girl pointed a finger towards his chest almost accusingly. 

“Remus. You promised” she reminded him in a stern tone, making him sigh soundly.

“I know, I know. And I’m not going to tell him” 

“But?” 

“But if I were you I’d tell him” 

“It’s Mary’s secret to tell, Remus. Not yours, not mine. She trusted me with it. I can’t let her down” 

“This hurt you, too, Kit. You don’t want to talk about it, and it’s fine, but this is heavy on you” 

Kit shook her head once again, dark hair falling from her low bun on her neck. There was a resigned smile on her mouth. 

“It’ll pass, Remus” she exhaled in an exhausted tone, looking up to the now clouded sky. Even the sun was leaving them that morning.

“It’s funny” she heard Remus say. Her head turned left, observing his face lost deep in thought. 

“What?” 

“Mary told me the exact same words the night Sirius left her for you” 

Kit didn’t have the heart to reply to that.

_November 3rd, 1979._

Kit slowly woke up to the sound of Sirius’ voice coming from the bathroom, an unknown song flowing from his mouth. She kept her eyes closed, listening to the words flowing from his mouth, a content smile playing on her lips. He must have opened the window, because a small breath of air was twirling around the sheets, making her shiver slightly in the windy day. 

Lazily prepping herself on her elbows, she opened one eye and took a peak at him, coming out from the bathroom while tying a towel around his hips. She always thought it was a rather stupid habit, since he ended dripping most of the water on his body down the floor, but he always said that bathrobes didn’t suit him at all. Duh. 

“Hi, doll. What are you doing already up?” she heard him ask in a quiet tone, sitting on the edge of the bed. She stretched slowly, stifling a huge yawn behind her hand before answering. 

“I heard you sing” she responded softly, feeling his look heavy on her body. She let her eyes wander on his frame, little drops of water running across his dark tattoos spread all over his chest, skin still red from the hot water of the shower. 

“Sorry” he said almost sheepishly, an adorable blush spreading on his cheeks. She had always liked that _this_ side of Sirius, a dorky and soft one, was reserved for her and her only. 

“I like your voice” she answered with a shrug, smiling at his flustered face, one hand already extended to him. He looked at her briefly, running his tongue on his lower lip deep in thought before accepting her hand, lacing his moist fingers with hers.

“I’ll get you all wet” he murmured, sliding on her with his warm body. Drops of water fell on her white nightgown, sticking the light fabric to her chest. 

“I think I’m already wet, so” she sighed on his cheek, welcoming him between her thighs. 

“Such a tease, you are” he scoffed against her neck, biting lightly into her pale skin, shivers running all over her arms. Kit stopped him, cradling his face in both hands, wet strands of hair between her fingers, and kissed him just once, softly, on his upper lip. 

“Happy birthday, love” she whispered against his lips, voice still hazy from sleep, a quiet moan escaping her lips when Sirius enveloped her in his arms. 

“Thanks, sugar” he breathed on her cheek, hands subtly moving under her nightgown, securing both his arms around her legs. 

“I’ve got a gift in Remus’ room. Give me a minute” she told him, trying to detach from his grip. He shook his head, peppering her throat with feather kisses. 

“Why would you ever keep it in his room?” 

“Because you’re nosy, mister” 

“Mh, it doesn’t matter. _You_ are my gift” he mumbled with his nose buried in her disheveled hair. 

“It’s been a while since we last had sex” she observed in a quiet moan, while his fingers travelled slowly between her legs. 

“A while? Feels like a century” 

Well, she couldn’t agree more on that. Since they got back together, in August, there hadn’t been anything more than heavy make out sessions and some failed foreplay. She wanted to believe it was due to the fact she was now working nights - she had been promoted to third printer at the Daily Prophet! Hurray! It meant she was getting a higher pay but also that she was stuck at the printhouse until the first hours of the morning - and he had started taking missions on Dumbledore’s account way more frequently than he used to do before the Death Eaters’ attack in September, so they had little time to see each other properly. And when they did there was always something that had to go wrong. Like, the first time they tried to have sex - the very night they made up - they were interrupted by a way too wasted Peter who had busted into Sirius’ flat because he couldn’t go back to his mother’s house in those conditions. And when they’d tried again, later on, they’d been stopped by Peter’s soundly puking on Remus beloved rug, so. 

The second time, on the sofa, they had to halt everything when Remus entered the flat followed by all the cheerful bunch, walking on them while they were gracefully half naked. But strangely enough, Kit somewhat felt, at the time, that it had been some sign of sorts. Like, they had to wait or something. Like it still wasn’t the right time. But now, in her first weekend off from ages, lying loose on their bed, her lover - _boyfriend_ \- spread all over her like she adored, she wanted nothing but to having him in her body. 

“Did Remus leave?” she inquired, hooking one leg around his hip, slowly grinding into him. Sirius groaned under his breath, teeth pressing into his bottom lip.

“Yeah. He won’t be home ‘til noon” 

She looked at the watch lying on the bedside table. _Half past nine. This is heaven._

“Okay. Open your gift, then. I’ll even let slide the fact that it’s an awful joke because...” 

“... a woman’s body is not an object to use at men’s convenience and etcetera, yes, yes” he nodded, dragging the tip of his nose across her skin. She chuckled at his imitation, rolling her eyes backwards before asking: ”So you _do listen_ to me, uh?”

“Only when I cannot avoid it” he joked, shooting her his signature smirk. 

“Very funny, my love” she snorted sarcastically, stretching under his chest. How relaxing it was, to be able to do nothing but lay around with him. It had been way too much time since they had the chance to spend time with each other like that. 

“I love it when you call me like that” he sighed in her ear, hands now gently pulling at her nightgown, inching it until it was all huddled up around her waist. Her own fingers wandered on his hips, tugging away his towel to slide her palm on his hardened dick. He panted, trusting his hips to meet her movements, taking her head in his hands to link her mouth to his, his tongue swiftly sliding between her lips, eliciting another moan from her throat. 

His hands undid the front laces of her nightgown, dragging the soft cotton on her skin, causing her to shiver one more time until her chest was free, throwing the gown somewhere behind his shoulders. With a gracious smile, she hooked her legs around his and rolled them over, resting her (unfortunately) still covered core on his leg, slightly grinding into him. 

Kit felt his eyes looking, no, _admiring_ her body in silent appreciation, exhaling soft sighs while she let him slowly fuck her hand. He licked his lips, a pensive look on his face. _Weird_.

“What?” she asked, knitting her eyebrows together. 

“Did you do something to your tits?” 

“Jesus, Sirius. No. I don’t think so. What, are they not to your liking anymore?” she asked, slightly pissed, crossing both arms to her chest. He gave her a crooked smile and enveloped her fore-arms in her hands, massaging them soothingly. 

“Of course not, lovely. They just look bigger” he said with a shrug, pressing a kiss on her wrist. She rolled his eyes again. 

“I should be on my period in the next few days, so enjoy while it lasts” 

“Believe me, I always enjoy it. You always look lovely. Always had” he confessed, fingers pressed into her hips. She closed her eyes, enjoying the way his praising words had been coated in affection and honesty. 

“It’s a lucky thing we don’t care so much about sizes, you know. Otherwise it would have been a problem for us” she answered, a teasing grin painted her mouth, making his eyebrows almost reach his airline. 

“Let me show you what sizes can do, you little rascal” he exclaimed, flopping her down the mattress, making her laugh heartily against his shoulder. He pressed his chest against hers, hard nipples brushing against his, his hands wandering south to finally remove her panties, sliding them down her legs in a slow and insufferable motion that had left her huffing in annoyance, which made him smile. She gulped, scooting closer to brush her core against his dick, now fully erected, a high moan leaving her lips when he rubbed his full length against her. 

“Could you... Uh, could you get inside me? Like, now?” she breathed, their bodies enveloped in a bone-crushing hug, sweat starting to form on their skin. 

“Do you reckon we have some condoms around here?” he panted, moving his fingers down to tease her clit. Kit’s chest heaved with anticipation, eyes closed tight. 

“There’s a box in the first drawer. Please, hurry” she murmured, biting her lips when his fingers found her clit. Lost in his touch, she vaguely heard Sirius cursing while searching for the condoms, knuckles knocking into the hard wood of the drawer. 

“Kitty” 

She opened her eyes at his words, meeting his deep look, rich black eyes merging into hers. His dark hair, still wet from the shower, clung on his forehead in the most adorable way. Kit caressed some strands, tucking it backwards, and kissed him again, legs encasing his waist against hers. 

And when he sinked into her, with a deep and slow trust, she felt like she had no oxygen left in her lungs. It was the exact same feeling she had sensed the first time they’d had sex, three years before. That same exact day, three years before. _How time flies_ , she thought hazily, while he started pounding into her with ease, like they had never been apart. But they had. And it was the slight sting between her legs, while he stretched her, that made her realize. The way Sirius had buried himself deep in her, halting himself for a whole minute to realize that, yes, it was indeed happening, how swiftly her velvety walls enveloped him, welcoming him back with a relief she rarely felt in her life.

“How in the world did we... manage without this until now?” she breathed, rolling her hips to meet his thrusts. 

“This means we... we work as a couple even without giving in to the pleasures of the flesh” he teased, making her chuckle. 

“Did you take this quote from some of your mother’s books?” 

“I don’t really want to picture my deranged mother while I’m finally fucking you, thank you very much, dearest” 

“You call _this_ fucking? God help us” she challenged him in a mocking tone, a hint of a smile playing on her mouth. 

“Am I not to your liking?” he mimicked her, thrusting deeper into her, widening her legs with both hands. 

“Maybe if you didn’t play coy” Kit snorted, arching her back in a slow motion. The look in Sirius’ eyes was unequivocal. She was so done. 

Her thighs ended on each of his shoulders, her glistening and leaking core spread before him, the intense and fiery expression on his face made her tremble in excitement. 

And then he was pounding into her again, sliding in and out her body in a quick and steady pace, his mouth biting the soft flesh of her calf, while one of her hands kneaded his arse, pressing him closer into herself, while the other rested tightly on the headboard, hearing the clear sound of the wood meeting the wall more and more times. And as time passed, she felt her limbs growing on fire, red patches all over her neck and shoulders, and his sighs, his moans and his gaze made her slick and moist like she hadn’t been in months. 

“Faster” she managed to ask in a cracked voice, and Sirius did nothing but comply, thrusting into her faster than he’d ever done with her, palming one of her breasts in his hand, nimble fingers twirled her nipple into a tight bud, making her gasp soundly. 

And soon his other hand went down, just where they were connected, circling her clit and twisting it just the way she had showed him, years before, and in a matter of seconds she was reaching her peak, high pitched moans and lower grunts filling the room along with the soft creaking of the bed and the quiet rain outside the windows. Sirius thrusted into her one last time, spilling himself into her, a loud pant leaving his lips before he nestled himself between her arms, both covered in goosebumps and sweat. 

Laying his head on her ribcage, Sirius tenderly kissed her salty skin, arms and legs still shaking from the orgasm. 

“I’m gonna keep you in this bed until we can’t walk anymore” he mumbled, tightly holding her hips. Kit chuckled, stroking her fingers down his back in a sweet gesture. 

“I’m afraid you can’t, love” 

“Don’t tell me the guys have planned another surprise party because that would be absolutely ridiculous” 

Well, there was a party. A surprise one. But this year it was James who was in charge of the planning, so it wasn’t exactly a surprise party to anyone anymore with that loose tongue he had. 

“I don’t really know, sweeting” she answered in a mocking tone, blinking innocently. 

“All right, you can keep your secret for the present, if you want to be mysterious” 

Kit stared at him, mouth half open in surprise.

“That’s a quote from _The Lord of the Rings_ ” she observed. 

“Really? I didn’t notice” 

“You read those for me?” 

“Nope” 

She rolled them over again, pressing her hands against his cheeks, pinching it slightly.

“Aw, you big bear” 

“Stop it” he muttered with a roll of his eyes.

“I love you, cutie pie” she cooed in a sugarcoated tone, making him laugh. 

“Love you too, angel” he answered, pressing a kiss on her messy hair. 

“I think they’re done, Lily! Come over!” James’ loud voice called just outside the room, making them both jump in fear. 

“Jesus Christ” she grunted, pulling the comforter over their heads. 

“I told you we should have come later, James!” 

“It’s alright, they already came. I think it’s safe to enter!” James exclaimed like he was the leader of some mission of essential importance. 

“James!” Lily whined, making Kit and Sirius erupt in laughter.

“See, they’re laughing! I don’t think someone laughs during sex!” 

“Oh God, make it stop” Kit cackled, resting her face in Sirius’ collarbone, feeling his chest vibrate with laughter.

“Alright, ready or not, we’re entering! Run for cover!” 

“I won’t bring you to cinema ever again” they heard Lily sigh in annoyance, right before the door busted open, revealing a quite excited James and a rather exasperated Lily. 

“Morning, guys. Everything good, aye?” 

Kit inched the comforter down to their necks, turning to look at James. 

“It was until you showed up here, dumb head” Kit murmured under her breath. 

“I heard you, missy! So, you guys finally going at it again?” 

“James, will you please stop?” Lily hissed in embarrassment. 

“You told James?” she asked Sirius, arching one eyebrow. 

“ _You_ told Sylvie. _And_ Lily. _And_ Remus. So” 

She shrugged. 

“Sounds fair” 

“Get your asses off from your nest of love, we’re going cruising!” James intervened eagerly before heading back to the kitchen. 

“Cruising?” Kit asked with a snort.

“I’m so done with taking him to the cinema” Lily said with a straight face, leaving them alone again. 

“He didn’t even tell me happy birthday!” 


	8. Day by day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: i do not own harry potter. you know that.
> 
> here i am again! i hope you all are safe and healthy, and i hope this chapter can keep u company as it did for me! lmk what u think abt it you’d like :) 
> 
> ps. the song Kit sings to Sirius is Day by Day, i guess the most famous versions are the ones sung by Frank Sinatra and Doris Day. 
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> pps. i had to repost the chapter bc i did a huge mess during editing!!! here’s the edited version <3

_ Late December, 1979. _

“This is great” Lily sleepily murmured, nodding to the tune absentmindedly. Kit hummed in agreement, softly tapping her knuckles on Sirius’ wrist.

“Great? Just great? You have to broaden your vocabulary, girlie, this is  _magnificent_ ” Sirius said, moving his hands into the air, subtle threads of smoke twirling above them.

Kit suppressed a cackle, and she heard James snicker somewhere beside her.

It had been a while since they had smoked something stronger than cigarettes and the effects were quick to overcome them, laying in strange and uncomfortable tangles on the couch near the record player, listening to The Clash’s newest album in a bewildered state, Joe Strummer’s voice echoing in the quiet of Sirius’ flat.

“Don’t talk to my beautiful wife like that, you wanker” James scolded his friend, earning a scoff in response from said friend.

“Will you ever get tired of saying it?” Lily asked even if she already know his answer. They’d been over this numerous times and they’d been married for four months only. He was setting a record.

“No, my flower. You’re the most beautiful wife I could ever get in my life” James said, his eyes soft with both affection and hilarity, earning an tender smile from Lily.

Sirius and Kit groaned in unison.

“You’re such a sap” Kit said, plucking the joint from Sirius’ mouth.

“You’re one to talk.  _Oh, Sirius is so_ ... ” James started in a high-pitched tone that tried to resemble Kit’s voice.

“James!”

“ _ He’s so clever and bright and funny, oh my! _ ”

Sirius started laughing in the earnest, white teeth bared to her view. Kit thanked the Gods they were rather high and Sirius wouldn’t probably remember anything the next day because she was ready to burst in embarrassment.

“James, can it!” she said, trying to cover his mouth with both her hands.

“ _ And sometimes I can’t believe I’m so lucky, oh my!” _

Sirius’ expression instantly sobered up, leaving the place to a intense look in his eyes that made her uncomfortable in her seat. She knew that Sirius, between the two of them, thought  _he_ was the lucky one to have her.

She had technically said those words, once, even if James was now twisting them dramatically. She wasn’t one to praise her boyfriend, especially in front of him - he didn’t need more strokes to his ego than he already had - but it was something that had slipped from her mouth one evening at James and Lily’s flat, some weeks after their wedding, when she’d already made up with Sirius.

There had been a fight, nothing enough serious to prompt another fall out or anything tragic, really, but they both were still sore from their previous break up so she had left his flat and went to Lily’s, and after three glasses of wine she was crying in her and James’ shoulders.

“He’s so good to me that sometimes I can’t help to feel so lucky. And then I mess things up, I can’t help it” she had murmured, while the three of them where in a rather drunken state. Clearly, not drunk enough to make James forget her words.

“C’mon, Kit, tell him you looove him” James slurred, trying to avoid her hands on his face.

“God, you’re so...”

“Is this some couple switch I wasn’t aware of?” a third amused voice tuned in, making them turn their faces towards the entrance door. Remus stood there, both eyebrows raised in hilarity. The full moon had been just three days earlier, and anyone could clearly see how tired he was. Both Kit and Sirius had tried to make him stay at home from work but he had been irremovable about it. He was one of a kind, Remus.  _A workaholic, you mean_ , Sirius would have said.

“No, just James being a dick” Kit snorted, rearranging herself beside Sirius. Remus nodded while taking his coat off, cheeks red from the cold.

“The usual, then. How is Lily?”

“I’m here, Rem” the girl mumbled, lazily raising a hand to aknowledge him. The girl had politely declined the joint Sirius had offered her before, settling her head as away as possible from the smell, but she looked stoned just like the others.

She had been like that for days, falling asleep as soon as her head touched something soft - whether it was a pillow, Kit’s leg, James’ chest or Sirius’ shoulder, it didn’t matter - and eating way more than she’d ever done in all the years they had known her. She blamed work - she was enthusiastically working for a Potion Master and periodically running errands for the Order - claiming she was just tired. Kit knew Sirius and James (and Peter and Sylvie, for the matter) didn’t connect the dots already, but she and Remus (and Mary, but she didn’t count since she seemed to know everything everytime) had realized that there was a serious chance Lily could be pregnant. Well, Remus was actually certain, since he had sensed a shift in Lily’s body. When Kit asked about it, he’d shrugged nonchalantly.

“One of the few pros of being a werewolf” he’d said with a sad smile.

“Everything good, Moons? You look like shit” Sirius asked.

“I always look like shit to you” he groaned, leaving his coat hanging off the hanger, slender and long hands now pressing into his forehead.

“He’s just messing around, Remi. Come sit” Kit asked, slightly swatting Sirius’ shoulder. He rolled his eyes at her antics, whispering something between his teeth that sounded really similar to  tyrant .

Remus hopped on the couch, draping himself between Sirius and Kit’s bodies, the back of his head hitting Kit’s thighs. It was like that, between the three of them. James and Peter often joked about it, saying they looked like a throuple - not funny - but they were used to it, it had been like that since Remus had came back from his mission in March. Something had snapped in their bodies that day, a feeling of protection and endearment and genuine care of his wellbeing that linked them to him in a way she still struggled to describe. Remus had said something about the Werewolves Bonds, explaining that probably his body -  the wolf  \- out of gratitude, had recognized Sirius and Kit as part of his own pack. And so it was more than common that the three of them would just cuddle on the couch together, limbs entangled messily, while watching some old episodes of Doctor Who - which reminded Kit the times she watched it with Liane, when they were kids, more than ten years before - and falling asleep on each other.

“Are you okay?” Kit asked, clicking her tongue slightly at the sound of Brand New Cadillac spreading in the room.

“Mh-mh. Is this The Clash’s new album?” he asked, arching his eyebrows. Kit exchanged a look with Sirius, sensing the lie in Remus’ words. They had been thinking for a while that there was the high chance that Remus was seeing somebody, but everytime one of them pried about it he determinately denied. Classical Remus. Sirius shook his head towards Kit, deciding to indulge him. For the moment.

“Yep. Do you feel the magnificence, Moons? ” Sirius asked, taking on a mystical-like tone, moving his hands through the air.

“Yeah, if you shut your pie-hole” he mumbled, making himself comfortable on Kit’s legs.

“Are you up for some, Moony?” James asked, offering him a still closed joint, which they had specifically left for him. Remus shook his head, stifling a yawn.

“Too tired. You smoke it” he mumbled in Kit’s sweatpants, sighing when she threaded absently her fingers in his hair.

“Gotcha. You’re a gem, Rem. Oh, look. I made a rhyme!” he squealed in excitement, making Lily jump out in annoyance.

“James, I swear to God if you don’t stop yelling right now you will forget what sex is” Lily whispered loud enough to cause a “ ew ” and “ gross ” and “ Jesus ” respectively from Kit, Sirius and Remus. James swallowed.

“I guess we’ll never hear James talk anymore” Kit commented, earning a laugh from Sirius.

“About time” Remus mumbled before drifting off to sleep.

_ Early February, 1980 _

Just a few days after Lily’s twentieth birthday, she and James had announced to the group she was pregnant. Sirius and Sylvie’s eyes had widened dramatically, eyebrows raised almost to their hairline, while Peter was repeating her words to himself as if he had been the father and he had to metabolize the news. Remus, Kit and Mary had just exchanged a knowing look, soft and triumphant smiles on their faces. Lily had surveyed them with a piercing look on her bright green eyes, arms closed on her chest.

“How is it possible that you three always manage to know everything?” she had scoffed, making Sirius gasp.

“Katherine Frances Fellowes! You didn’t tell me! This is treason! A felony!” Sirius had gasped, taking both her shoulders in his hands.

“Your middle name is  _Frances_? ” Mary had asked wrinkling her nose in distaste.

“How in the earth did you find out? You’re the first we’re telling. Are you by chance already familiar with pregnancies?” James cut in in a joking tone, not knowing what his words would entice in Mary, whose face was quickly paling. It was Remus, to both girls’ surprise, who saved the day.

“They didn’t know shit. My superb werewolf powers told me everything I needed to know” Remus had said, making Lily roll her eyes so hard Kit feared she might have broken them.

“Another felony! Oh, my God! And you call yourself my friend! I can’t really...”

“Sirius” Lily had scolded him.

“Sorry. _Traitors_ ” he had hissed under his breath, a steady pout on his red lips.

(“How are you, Mary?” Kit asked after dinner, while they were scrubbing the dirty plates by the sink. Lily offered to, since she was the host of the night, but the two girls had sent her in the living room, ordering her to rest and do nothing but snog her husband if she ever felt the need to. Which she was currently doing, actually.

“I’m good, Kit”

“Yeah?”

“Definitely. I’ve got my shit together”

“That’s a way to put it”

“I mean it. Lately it’s difficult to have something that feels like happiness but... I’m serene, you know?”

Kit nodded while draining the little pearls of water from the plate in her hand.

“I’m seeing someone, now”

“You mean that Fenwick fella from the Order?”

“How in the heaven...”

“ I saw you two snogging when you thought nobody had arrived yet at the meeting”

“And you stood there watching?”

“Jeez, no, I waited outside. Duh”

Mary smirked, eyes linked to the plate she was cleaning.

“So, you two are a thing?”

“Dunno. Maybe. He’s good, Kit. Like, really good”

“I’m glad for you”

“Yeah. Thanks”

There was a silence that Kit couldn’t decipher, not when Mary was looking at her in a look that resembled both gratitude and sadness. In the pit of her heart, Kit knew Mary would have loved Sirius for a long time. It was inevitable.

“And I’m glad we’re friends” Mary said, eliciting a smile from Kit.

“Yeah. Me too, Mary”)

Later that night, in the quiet of their bedroom, enveloped in each other’s arms in a lazy embrace, she had heard Sirius mumble something into her skin, his soft breath prickling her collarbone.

“What did you say, love?” she asked, stretching her back in a tired gesture.

Sirius prepped himself on one elbow, the hard planes of his chest, littered with scars and little tattoos, gleamed in the pale moonlight. He held a rather serious look on his face (no pun intended).

“I asked you... what happened before”

She had felt her heart getting heavy, a subtle feeling of guilt flowing in her blood, a frightening feeling of dejavu that transported her to the warm night in May in which Sirius had left her on her own after their fight. She shuddered.

“Before?”

“Back at James and Lily’s”

“I’m not sure I understand” she had answered, hoping with all of herself he would drop it, even if she know all too well he wouldn’t. Sirius wasn’t one to surrender, never.

“Come on, Kit. Why did Mary get so antsy? She’s never like that” he asked, crossing his forearms on his stomach.

“I... Gosh, Sirius” she sighed, sitting up abruptly, back pressed against the plumpy headboard.

“You know” he said matter-of-factly, looking for a confirmation in her guilty eyes.

“Yes” she whispered with a nod, slightly biting the inside of her cheek.

“What is it?”

Kit shook her head, exhaling a loud sigh.

“I can’t tell you”

“Why?”

“Because it’s something that belongs to Mary”

“Is this about what happened after the attack?”

“Uhm, yeah”

“Who else knows beside the two of you?”

She lowered her eyes to her joined hands in her lap.

“Remus does”

“You told him”

“Yes”

“You told him and not me”

“I needed to let it out somehow. Remus was there for me”

“And I wasn’t? Why didn’t you come to me? Don’t you... don’t you trust me?”

“I would trust my own life in your hands, Sirius. But I couldn’t tell you. I still can’t. Mary doesn’t want to tell you” she had breathed, taking one of his trembling hands in both hers, laying them on her stomach.

“But why Remus? Why not Lily? Or Sylvie?” he had insisted.

_Ah_ , Kit had thought. _Here it is the real issue._

“Lily can’t keep shit from you, you know that. And Sylvie... That was way too personal to tell Sylvie. She doesn’t even get along that well with Mary. It didn’t feel... right. You know?”

“Do you think Mary would tell me this... thing, if I asked?”

“I don’t know, love. If you really want to know, you’ll have to be careful when you’ll talk to her. It’s really heavy on her”

“Did you tell her Remus knows everything?”

“She told him eventually. They are close”

“Yeah”

She had laid her cheek onto his neck, the side of her lips grazing his hot skin.

“Are you jealous?” she had asked, out of curiosity.

“About Mary and Remus? Are you joking?”

“I meant... about me and Remus”

Sirius had shaken his head, grazing her neck with his nose.

“I don’t think so. I know you and Remus would never do something like... that, to me. I just want you to trust me. On everything”

Boy, how long it had taken them to become like this. To be able to discuss their issues, to analyze them, to face them without any fear, without outbursts, handling it together. It had taken them more than three years. And they still had work to do. But they were getting there.

Kit had nodded at his words, looking down to their enlaced hands, admiring how well her little palm fit in his larger one. It was something it had always mesmerized her, the texture of his skin on hers, the way they fit together in a way that seemed too perfect to be real.

Her free hand went to her shoulders, slowly touching the thin straps of her tank top. She pulled them down, one by one, revealing her heaving naked breasts to his eyes, nipples quickly hardening in the chilly air of their bedroom.

“What are you...”

She took his hand from her lap, and slowly laid it against her sternum, his warm palm and cold fingers pressing on her skin. She felt goosebumps growing on her neck, but kept looking at him, eyes on eyes.

“Do you hear my heart beating?” she asked, draping his hand on his. He nodded silently.

“It’s yours. As long as you want it, it’s only yours”

Sirius held his breath, teeth torturing his lower lip. Eyes closed, he leant his head towards hers, cheeks grazing delicately against each other, faint moonlight covering their naked torsos in white.

“Why is it racing?” he murmured in her ear, laying his knuckles on her chest in a tender gesture.

“It’s always like this when I’m with you” she answered earnestly. He looked up, fixing his gaze at her in a bewildered state, grazing his nose with hers.

“God, you’re lovely” he sighed on her skin, placing feather kisses on her cheek.

She closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of his lips on her skin, one of her hands entangling in his silky hair in a soft gesture.

“So? I bare my heart _and_ my tits to you and I don’t even get an answer?” she joked, teeth slightly nipping at his upper lip. Sirius cradled her head between both his hands, fingers caressing her neck.

“I’ll always want your heart, dummy. And your tits, of course. As long as you’ll let me” he said, littering her neck with slow kisses.

“That sounds good to me” she nodded, welcoming him between her arms.

(“I don’t think I’ll ask Mary about that... thing, you told me” 

“No?” 

“No” 

”Okay. Are you sure about it?”

“Yes” 

“Alright”)

March, 1980

Remus was definitely seeing someone. And that someone definitely wasn’t Mary.

(Sirius had expressed his perplexity when Kit told him Remus kind of fancied Mary, since everybody was convinced he was in love with Sylvie since their Sixth Year.

“No shit! He likes  _Mary?_ As in Mary Macdonald?”

Kit had frowned at his reaction.

“Why are you so surprised?”

“Because I thought he fancied girls like Sylvie”

“And how are girls like Sylvie?”

“Smart, I guess. The bookish type, if you please. Petite. Oh, feisty. But in a good way, I suppose”

“I see. And Mary has none of these qualities, mh?”

“Mary is just different”

“How so?”

“She’s... intense. Fiery. Confident. Too bright for her own good. She’s one of her kind”

Kit had nodded, a lump forming in her throat, his words penetrating her skull and painfully settling in her brain.

“Are you alright?” she heard him ask. She had swallowed, a fake smile ready on her lips.

“Super”.)

Remus had always been pretty secretive about his relationships. He had dated few times, back in Hogwarts, but nobody ever stayed permanently in his life. He often said he just wasn’t made for serious relationships but in reality he was afraid of committing for an entirely different reason. Committing meant that, in one way or another, sooner or later, he would have to tell his partner about his  condition , as he sometimes called it. And that scared the shit out of him.

So, while Peter, Sylvie and Mary exchanged partners every couple of months or so, Remus was the only one left in their group that didn’t have a  _significant other,_ as James often said in a teasing tone.

That was, until they caught him in the act. Like, literally.

“No, sweets, I can’t agree on that” Kit was saying as she struggled with the lock of their entrance door. It had been rusty and tricky since day one but neither of them had bothered to fix it yet. And to say they were wizards, for Merlin’s sake.

“You are way too picky, Kitty. It was definitely better than  _Bobby Deerfield_ ” he commented, leaning his shoulder against the door frame beside her. They were just coming home from the little cinema three roads across their flat, a place they used to frequent a lot since Kit was a bit of a movie buff, and Sirius tagged along most of the times because he got to hold her, eat a great amount of candy and she often choose cracker movies, so he was in for a damn good deal.

“That’s something I can agree to.  _Bobby Deerfield_ was a nightmare. Still can’t believe Pacino did something ugly like that”

“Still don’t get why you didn’t like this one, though”

“There were too many stories huddled up together and I felt like they could have been handled better. It felt too rushed. That’s all”

“Aw, my little movie critic” Sirius joked, poking her cheek with his fingers. She rolled her eyes at his words, a hint of a smile on her mouth.

“It’s not my fault Al Pacino raised the bar so high in the first years of his career. You get used to excellence” she said, sighing when the lock finally gave out and the door slightly cracked open.

“Talking about excellence, I was thinking we could order some pizza from the Italian guy? What was he called, Fernando?” he said, while removing her coat and placing it on the hanger. She snorted, pinching him slightly on the stomach.

“Bernardo, sweets”

“And what did I say? Anyway, you on?” he asked casually, already heading towards the kitchen. She shrugged.

“Yeah, there’s his number somewhere beside the telephone” she said.

“Gotcha”

He picked up the phone and clumsily started dialing the number on it. He looked like a little kid.

“The London slang doesn’t suit your posh accent at all, baby”

“You’re very intense about nicknames tonight,  _pumpkin ”_

“Shut up. I’m going to check on Remus” Kit said. They had asked Remus to join them at the cinema but their friend had said he wouldn’t be a good company since the full moon was soon approaching, and urged them to go nonetheless. No need to say that Sirius caught the occasion to snog her senseless in the last seats like they did when they were in school. 

“Mh-mh. Oh, hi, Fernando! How’s it going?” she heard him say from where she stood in the hallway, eliciting a small laugh from her.

She tip-toed to Remus’ door, opening it without even bothering to knock before entering, as usual. Remus always scolded her for it, and now... Now she had to say he was right.

Remus was on his bed. He had company. A naked company. And he was half-naked as well. Receiving head from some naked guy. She needed Bernardo’s pizza more than ever that night.

“Fucking hell” she exclaimed hastily, literally jumping on the spot. The two men tilted their heads in her direction, a shocked expression on both their faces.

“Christ, Kit! Ever heard of knocking? Jesus!” Remus complained, moving around frantically to cover his... parts, if one wanted to be poetic about it.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know you had company! You said you weren’t feeling well!” she answered, brows almost joint in a guilty expression. Remus’  whatever he was  looked very embarrassed and very red in the face. He looked quite familiar but she couldn’t put her finger on it. He was really cute, though. He matched quite perfectly Remus’ delicate beauty, with the rugged charm that his dark, short curls and sharp jaw gave him.

“Where’s the fire?” Sirius said behind her back. making her jump a second time within one minute. He gasped in a dramatic manner, channeling his inner James Potter.

“Am I seeing right? Remus has someone in his bed? Like, a human being?”

Remus scoffed, plopping on his back dramatically.

“Really...” he scoffed with a sigh, throwing a pillow at them. It landed on the middle of Sirius’ face

“Ow, dude!” he complained.

“Do you mind?” Remus hissed, nodding to the man in his bed. Kit and Sirius looked at each other, having the decency of looking slightly (just slightly) guilty.

“I think I’m gonna go” the man said, gathering his clothes around the sheets. Remus nodded, pressing a hand on his forehead, but stayed silent. Kit took a peak at Sirius, motioning to the now dressed man with her head. In her body language, that meant _do something, Jesus._

Sirius’ eyes went wide open, which in his language meant something like _you’re the one who walked in on them._

She crossed both arms on her chest, eliciting a sigh from his lips.

“Actually, you could stay for dinner. We just ordered pizza from this Fernando guy, he’s awesome” he said, trying to look casual about it.

“ _ Bernardo _ ” Remus mumbled from his bed.

“Yeah, absolutely!” Kit ignored him, nodding enthusiastically at Sirius’ words.

“Oh. I mean...” he said, scratching his neck in a embarrassed motion, looking at Remus with an uncertain look in his eyes. They looked in each other eyes for what it felt like, thirty lengthy seconds, then the stranger nodded, still looking uncomfortable.

“Alright, I think I’ll stay. Thanks”

(And when he finally leaves, a couple of hours later, Remus finds himself nestled between Kit and Sirius, eyes fixed on the tv in front of him.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Kit asks, and Remus can feel the disappointment flowing in her words. He swallows, hands fiddling in his lap.

“Dunno. I didn’t feel like telling” answers with a little shrug.

“You were afraid of us?” Sirius pries then, his voice, soft and hushed, matched Kit’s.

“No. I just felt the time wasn’t right”

“I get it, Remi. You don’t have to explain. I just... I’m sorry you didn’t feel comfortable enough to disclose him to us. That’s all”

From the corner of his eye Remus can see Sirius nodding slightly, head propped against his arm. Remus loves these moments that usually take place in the dark of the night, and all three of them are laying mindlessly, limbs touching tenderly. He feels loved, he remembers the days he used to do the same thing with his parents. And he wants to cry, but he has no reason to. He works in a place he actually likes, has a good boyfriend and the best friends he could ever ask for in his life. Remus knows that this little heaven, this bubble he’s living in won’t last forever. But he can dream.

“It’s quite new, actually. We got together just a few weeks ago”

“That’s good. I’m happy for you, Remi” Kit says, laying her head on his shoulder. He inhales in the scent of her hair, a mixture of her hideous strawberry shampoo and smoke and something he cannot describe but he associates to Sirius. They often share the same scent. It’s something he has seen happening on James and Lily, too.

“Our resident spinster is finally getting some” Sirius says in a light tone, breaking the soft atmosphere that was twirling in the room. But Remus laughs nonetheless, because he hasn’t felt this light-hearted, this happy, in months and wants to cherish it until it’s possible)

_May, 1980. Saturday_.

It had been raining all day long. The raindrops ticked the windows, making an almost relaxing noise.  _Tick, tick, tick._

Sirius wasn’t at home. He had received a note in the early morning from an unknown owl and had stormed off without a word, shutting the door hard behind him.

Kit sat at the kitchen table, sweaty and cold hands intertwined together, laying her head on her arm. Remus was right in front of her, sporting the same preoccupied expression Kit was sure she had on too.

She couldn’t stand sitting there, waiting for him to come back from wherever he was. She felt useless and careless and mad but Remus’ words had been soothing. Kind of.

“It could have been a mission for the Order. If we follow him we could blow his cover up”

She had nodded, deep in thought, but couldn’t shake off from her body the feeling that something horrible had happened.

“Why don’t you go sleeping for a bit? You didn’t rest at all after work” she heard Remus say. Kit mumbled something in her arm. She got back from work just an hour before Sirius stormed off their flat, and hadn’t been able to sleep since then. She was positively sure there’s was some drool on her jumper.

“I want to wait” she murmured. She really wanted to. But her head was throbbing with pain, and she was so goddamn tired.

_ Just a few minutes. Just a few minutes, and then you’ll be up again. _

(Sirius comes back just around lunchtime. He’s tired and quivering, furious and sad at the same time. His heart is heavy with pain and regret and sorrow. He wants to slam his fist against the door and hit it until he bleeds, until he has no strength anymore. But then he steps into the house, and notices Kit laying on the sofa, curled up like a little kid with her knees to her chest. She looks troubled, nervous even, brows furrowed even in her sleep, and Sirius feels guilty, because he shouldn’t have given her yet another thing to worry about. He tries to be silent because she hasn’t slept in a day or so and his nickname isn’t Padfoot for nothing.

But as soon as he closes the door, she jolts on the sofa, prepping herself on her arms. She’s becoming a light sleeper, courtesy of their Order missions and the frequent nightmares they both have during the nights and the goddamn awareness of being at war against something so much bigger than them.

“Go back to sleep, love” he says, trying to avoid her eyes. Because once she sees him she’ll understand everything and he won’t be able to hold up anymore.

“Are you okay?” she mumbles, her eyelids heavy from slumber. From where he is standing he can see the shirt - one of his -she’s wearing under all those covers Remus must have laid on her before going to work.

“Everything’s fine, baby” he says, trying to keep his tone casual. He has probably failed, because she is beckoning him to her, laying one hand on the free spot next to her. He reluctantly goes to sit with her, feeling her warm hand on his arm.

“Why did you take off like that?” she asks in a hushed tone, and even if it’s a question he doesn’t want to answer her voice, so buttery and warm and welcoming, makes him want to lay there beside her and do nothing else.

“Something came up”

“Uh?” she pouts her lips in confusion. She looks adorable with her hair tousled and cheeks reddish from the heat and Sirius is grateful because in his insides he feels like he’s about to burst, but just a touch, a look, a kiss from her quiets the noise in his mind. The noise that says  _it’s your fault._

And then Sirius decides Kit has to know, it’s what she would do in his shoes, he’s sure of it. And she works in a goddamn newspaper and she’s gonna find out anyway the day after.

“Regulus died” he says in a clear voice, leaving behind all the trembles and quivers he feels in his limbs. Kit licks her lips, presses them together tightly, eyes already damp. Her eyebrows arch up and down, nose slightly crinkled, and he knows she’s gonna cry. And he can’t see her like that, otherwise he’s gonna cry too. And he doesn’t want that.

“When?” she asks, and her voice is tight like a vice.

“Months ago, actually. They found the body just last night” he answers, looking at a blank point behind her head.

“I’m so sorry, love” he hears her say, one warm hand already laying on his neck. He shakes his head, putting up a smile. It hurts as hell.

“It’s fine. It’s not like we were... close, you know”

She smiles back at him, but it’s a sad one.

“Doesn’t make him any less your brother” she reminds him. He has to stand up, the air around him seems to suffocate him. He swallows deeply.

“I know”

That night, Sirius goes to bed earlier than Kit. She’s still in the shower, and he wants to believe she won’t pry about Regulus if she finds him asleep. As if.

The soft clicking of the water against the tiles of the shower lulls him while he lies on his side, cheek pressing on his hand, just like he did when he was a kid. And his mind flows back in time without him being able to do anything about it. And he remembers. Remembers Regulus the child, the one he loves deeply and unconditionally in his heart. He reminds how kind he was. How compliant. He would do anything with and for Sirius, because his big brother was his hero. His chest hurts.

But then he was sent off to Hogwarts, and left his brother alone for a whole year with that cunt he had to call his mother. And from that things were never the same again. He had gained the friendship and brotherhood of James, who he loved sincerely, but he had lost his blood brother. The brother he had seen growing before him. The brother that now lays in a grave, too young to know what death means. And it’s his fault. He hasn’t cared enough for his brother. Maybe he deserved death more than Regulus did, even if Regulus was a Death Eater. He wants to be strong. Wants to act like nothing happened. But there’s a heavy pain spreading in his mind, his heart, his limbs, and he doesn’t know how to stop it. He doesn’t know how to stop crying. And it’s like this that Kit finds him, after what he feels like has been more than an hour. He senses a dip in the mattress, can hear her presence behind him moving delicately. And then her arms wrap around his frame, pressing slightly on his chest, her warm breath spreading on his shoulder, lips pressing on his skin.

And he cries harder, his chest moves almost frantically because of his sobs. She spoons him tighter, enveloping one of her legs around his, and their bodies connect in every single place. He sighs, laying his head against her neck.

“I’m so sorry” he breathes in her skin.

“You have nothing to be sorry for” she murmurs in answer, and it’s obvious she’s crying along with him, her cracked voice tells him everything.

“Can we stay like this for a bit?” he ventures to ask, even if he already knows she’ll cling to him all the time he wants.

“Of course we can. Sleep, love” she murmurs in his ear, caressing his hair just like James’ mother used to do when he went to live with the Potters. He feels just the same as then. Desperate, mad, helpless. He feels just like when he was barely sixteen and believed in nothing, not even himself. But now Kit is whispering a soft tune into his ear, a slow song he doesn’t recognize instantly but it goes like  _I'm yours alone._ Then she pauses, kissing softly the nape of his neck.

_ and I'm in love to stay,  _ she continues in a low humming. 

_As we go through the years day by day_.

And her hands wrap slowly around his forearms, caressing his skin ever so softly. And he lets himself go.) 


End file.
